The Hidden Saboteur: People Pleasing

There’s a hidden saboteur lurking in workplaces across the world right now. It masquerades is being a team player, going above and beyond and just being helpful. But in reality, it’s quietly derailing careers and burning out some of the most talented professionals I know. I’m talking about people pleasing. And if you’re like most of the people we work with, you probably don’t even realize how deeply it’s affecting your life, your career, your energy, and your happiness. So at the time of this recording, we are wrapping up 2024 and I am seeing more professionals than ever trapped in exhausting cycles of saying yes to everything, taking on other people’s responsibilities and putting their own needs last. And if you are listening to this and thinking, Melody, 2025 is the year I finally put these patterns behind me. I know that I am bigger than this. I have come too far in my career to still be rewriting emails three times, taking everybody else’s stress home, letting one comment derail my day.

If that is you, then listen up, because if you are listening to this at the time that it releases tomorrow, December 12th, 2024 is the final day to join us inside of Resilient for the early enrollment rate. After tomorrow, the price goes up for good, it will never be this low again. So you’re going to want to head to melodywilding.com/resilient to secure your spot.

I want to paint a picture of what could be possible for you, where you could be by the end of Q1, 2025. You could be showing up to meetings, sharing your ideas with quiet authority. The one that comes from truly trusting your instincts. You can be making decisions more quickly and clearly without the exhausting spiral of wondering how everyone else is going to feel about them.

You could be receiving feedback that you have become the voice of reason in heated meetings. Someone who can not only build consensus, but can do it without compromising their own stance. And you could be finding yourself tapped for bigger opportunities because you’ve mastered the art of staying grounded while other people are getting swept up in all of the drama and stress.

Resilient is currently the only way to work with me directly. And not only that, you get weekly coaching, you get an in depth step by step curriculum and tools, you get access to a high level community, all to help you go from second guessing yourself to assured, composed, and confident in all of your interactions.

So remember, if you are listening to this at the time of this recording, the early bird rate for resilient expires tomorrow, December 12th. It will never be this low again. The program officially begins January 16th, but when you join us now, you get immediate access to the classroom. So you can dive right in. You can start with the orientation. You can get into our module on overcoming overthinking, as well as access my entire coaching tools library. You don’t have to wait. You can take advantage of your downtime over the holiday break. You could be way ahead of the game come our official start date on January 16th.

So remember melodywilding.com/resilient.

Now, let’s get on the same page about what I mean by people pleasing, because it may not be exactly what you think it is. When we think of a people pleaser, we are often picturing someone who is just too nice for their own good, who can’t say no, who needs to grow a backbone or that other people take advantage of. But that can be an oversimplification of what’s really happening. What’s happening beneath the surface when we get caught in people pleasing habits.

It’s actually a very sophisticated survival strategy. It’s hypervigilance. The ability to sense what other people need before they ask, to anticipate conflicts, to smooth them over before anyone gets too upset, to keep things copacetic through your own constant emotional labor.

At the root of all this? Is control. People pleasing really isn’t about being nice. It’s about controlling how other people perceive you, feel about you, react to you. It’s like you’re trying to manage everybody else’s emotions while suppressing your own. You believe somewhere deep down, maybe not even consciously, that if you can just be perfect enough, helpful enough, available enough that you can prevent yourself and shield yourself from rejection. Or conflict.

People pleasing is a way that your brain learned to keep you safe. So think of it like having an overactive social radar. It’s always switched on. You’re constantly scanning for, what is my boss’s mood today? Is my coworker secretly upset about that email I sent? Should I be the one to jump in and help so that person doesn’t feel stressed out?

You’ve probably gotten very good at noticing the tiniest changes in someone’s tone of voice, knowing exactly what to say to calm tense situations, being the person everyone counts on to keep things running.

And here’s the thing, you’re not imagining this. You really can read the room better than most people. You really are better at spotting when someone is upset or frustrated. You’ve probably developed an almost eerie ability to sense what other people need before they even articulate it themselves. And this has actually been proven in MRI studies. Where they have looked at people who rate themselves higher on levels of sensitivity.

And these people, when they look at their brains through scans, have more active mirror neurons. Our mirror neurons are the ones that help us sense and attune to other people’s emotions and behaviors.

The problem is there can be a heavy price for all of this.

The Cost of People Pleasing

If people pleasing goes unchecked, your mind is truly never off duty. You are always watching, analyzing, adjusting yourself, taking responsibility for what other people need and want.

And that’s exhausting. It’s like you are the unofficial emotional project manager of your workplace. You’re tracking dozens of invisible tasks, making sure no one feels left out. You’re keeping tabs on office politics. You’re taking on extra work to prevent other people from feeling badly.

So the problem here isn’t that you’re not good at what you do. The problem is that you’re too good at handling everything and everyone except yourself. The irony of this is that many of the traits that make you great at your job, empathy, perceptiveness, dedication, your ability to build relationships, those exact same traits can keep you trapped if you’re not careful.

Our entire framework inside of Resilient is about giving you tools so that you can get out of the downside of these traits and you can start leveraging their upsides. Because I am sure you have seen, you have felt firsthand how any strength taken to an extreme can lead you to get in your own way.

Being detail oriented can turn into overthinking every single email and word. Caring about quality can become perfectionism that keeps you just working later and later. Building great relationships can shift into feeling responsible for everybody else’s happiness. So it’s crucial that we begin to see that these habits of monitoring, managing, maintaining everybody else’s emotions, this isn’t actually our responsibility, even if we’ve become incredibly skilled at it.

When our clients can finally see these patterns clearly, it’s like a light bulb goes on. They suddenly understand why they’re constantly exhausted despite being so good at their job.

Recognizing People Pleasing Patterns

I wanna walk you through some of the most telling signs that we see in high performing professionals, that people pleasing is getting in their way. As I’m going through these, think to yourself see of which of these hit close to home for you.

Are you the go to person for extra tasks, even when your plate is already overflowing? And this happens because you’re afraid of disappointing or offending others if you were to decline.

Do you find yourself avoiding disagreements or difficult conversations? Even when you have valid and important concerns to bring up.

When something goes wrong, are you the one who apologizes and assumes fault? Even if you’re not to blame.

Do you crave approval and validation from your colleagues and your superiors? And do you feel bad if you’re not getting that and question yourself?

Do you agree with others or even change or downplay your opinion, even when you have a different perspective?

Are you the one always volunteering for tedious, time consuming tasks that no one else wants to do?

Are you avoiding asking for help because you don’t want to burden other people?

And do you put off conversations about your own career goals?

If you were nodding along with these, just take a deep breath. Don’t panic. We have worked with over 450 professionals through Resilient, and I can tell you with absolute certainty, people pleasing is a pattern you can change. We have seen it firsthand through our clients data. We have a proprietary diagnostic in the program, and we have seen, with our most recent cohorts, a 74 percent increase in feeling grounded and calm under pressure. A 65 percent increase in being able to handle strong emotions at work. A 54 percent increase in assertiveness. And this is not in a year, it’s not in six months, this is what’s possible in 13 weeks. And it is possible when you commit to making a change, when you take this seriously, when you realize what it’s costing you, and when you have a proven system and tools that actually work for your wiring, and you have highly experienced coaches in your corner giving you feedback and coaching every step of the way.

And in Resilient, you will learn exactly how to spot, how to catch your own unique people pleasing triggers before they hijack your entire day or week. We work with you to develop scripts for those tough conversations, whether you need to push back on unrealistic deadlines, you’re handling that long overdue talk about your compensation.

And most importantly, we don’t try to change who you are. We show you how to channel. Your natural empathy, your ability to read people, your relationship skills to translate that into true presence without burning yourself out or compromising your values.

Again, remember, you’re listening to this in real time, the early bird rate for Resilient expires tomorrow. And this is the last time it will ever be this low. So again, head to melodywilding.com/resilient to secure your spot. Now, throughout this episode, you may have already been having some aha moments, maybe about the subtle ways people pleasing has been showing up in your work life. We don’t talk about this enough, especially in the professional setting, how that drive to be helpful, to be the one who wants to maintain harmony. That’s really valuable, but it can also. Undermine your authority and drain your energy.

Now, Resilient is the best, most comprehensive, the longest term effective way to free yourself from these patterns.

Strategies to Overcome People Pleasing

But I also know how important it is that you start taking action right now.So I’m going to share with you a few powerful strategies you can start using today.

Let’s start with one of my favorites, which is deceptively simple but incredibly useful. It’s called the 24 hour rule. The next time someone asks you to take on a project, to help out with a task, instead of giving an immediate yes, which let’s be honest is probably your default right now. You’re going to say, thanks for thinking of me, let me get back to you tomorrow.

That’s it. It seems so easy, right? But here is why this is so transformative. Because many of us who lean towards people pleasing, we have a hair trigger yes response. When someone asks us for something, before we’ve even logically processed the request, We’re nodding. We’re saying, sure.

No problem. Happy to take that on. It’s like our mouth is saying yes before our rational brain has even caught up. And this instant agreement, it’s almost like a discomfort avoidance reflex. When we think about saying no, an uncomfortable feeling bubbles up for us. We think we might disappoint someone, worry about how they’re going to react.

So let me give you a few examples of where this happens. Your boss may drop by your desk. They may ask for a quick favor that would actually require you staying late. A colleague asks you to cover their presentation next week while they’re out. The team wants you to lead another committee because you are so good at organizing things.

In each case, the 24 hour rule gives you breathing room to ask the real questions.

Do I actually have capacity for this?

What would I have to sacrifice to make this happen? Because every time you say yes to one thing, you’re saying no to something else.

Is this aligned with my priorities right now? Every time you use this rule, you’re building what researchers call distress tolerance. That is our ability to sit with uncomfortable feelings without immediately trying to act to make them just go away and usually act against our own best interests to make them go away. Distress tolerance is a core skill we develop through resilient, because this isn’t just as simple as saying no.

It’s about becoming someone who can stay steady, clear headed, even when you’re dealing with your own emotional eruption, your own big feelings or the big feelings of other people when they are disappointed, frustrated in you, stressed out.

When you master this skill of distress tolerance, something amazing happens. You start making decisions from a place of clarity instead of anxiety. You’re not just known as the person who’s always helpful, but as someone who is intentional and selective about their commitments. And most importantly, you stop feeling guilty about having boundaries because you can tolerate some of that negative emotion better.

So the next time someone comes to you with a request, I want to give you a few scripts you can have in your back pocket.

Hey, I am deep in the middle of this client report right now. Could I take a look at this in a few hours

Before I dive in? Can you tell me what the real deadline is here? I want to make sure I can prioritize this correctly.

This project sounds interesting. I can’t commit to it right away, but let me look at my bandwidth and I can get back to you by the end of the week. Another really powerful mindset shift is to embrace B plus work. You might be cringing. Even at the thought of that, because you are probably someone who has built your career on being the person who goes above and beyond the one who gets an A in everything they do, the one who adds extra touches that nobody asked for, but everyone appreciates.

Here’s the thing though, I have learned this the hard way many, many times over that perfectionism and people pleasing often go hand in hand. We’re not just aiming for excellence, which is great. We’re trying to protect ourselves from criticism, judgment, letting ourselves or letting other people down. So here are some real examples of what embracing B plus work can look like.

You send that email update only rereading it once instead of rereading it three, four times. You create a clean, simple slide deck instead of staying up until 2am to make it gorgeous.

You write up meeting notes that capture the key bullet points without transcribing every single word and step of the action plan.

You turn in a solid first draft instead of tweaking it endlessly.

I am in no way suggesting you start doing sloppy work. I know you, you physically can’t do that. This is about being thoughtful and selective with your energy and what you choose to give 110 percent to. So think of it a little more like a dimmer switch. Not an on off button. Some tasks do need extra attention, a board presentation, a client proposal. Those matter, but there are other ones that are lower stakes where you can practice dialing back and the beauty.

When you start to do this, the key is really using the time, the mental energy that you save. So that three hours that you used to spend making a routine presentation perfect, you can then funnel that to work on a big initiative that you’ve been putting off. To have coffee with a mentor who could open doors for you. To leave work at a reasonable hour and go play board games with your family. One of our resilient alumni recently told me, she said, I used to think that being known for high standards meant everything had to be perfect, but now I realize, truly having high standards means knowing where perfection matters and where it doesn’t. So true.

And this shift to B plus work, it’s more about than just saving a few hours here and there.

When you start fully embracing this mentality, you start regaining your confidence because you begin to realize that people respect you and your work, not because. It’s 100 percent perfect, but because you deliver value, which isn’t necessarily tied to how much time and effort you put in.

When you start trusting that your first draft is solid, that your instincts are good, that you don’t need to overthink every word in every email. That’s when your personal power at work emerges. You spend less time in your head worrying about how things might be perceived and more time actually making an impact. Finally, we have a somewhat counterintuitive tip for people pleasing, which is the power of strategic silence. This one’s really important. If you are someone who always jumps in to fix things, to smooth things over, to fill awkward pauses.

So let’s say someone raises a problem in the meeting and before they have even finished talking, your mind is already racing with solutions. Your hand is already halfway up. You are ready to jump in. You want to be the hero and save the day, right?

But every time you do that, every time you rush. To fill the silence, you’re reinforcing that you’ll always be the one to save everyone else. You’ll be the one to step up for a crisis that isn’t yours to solve. And when you do that, you are actually robbing others of the chance to step up, to build the initiative and independence that they need. Because you’re training people to rely totally on you for answers and that you will be everyone’s dumping ground and backup plan.

Using silence doesn’t mean being rude or just totally mute and checking out. Let’s say your boss says we’re behind on the quarterly targets. The old you may immediately volunteer to take on extra work to fix it. The new you is going to let other people weigh in first to consider actually where is the best place for me to insert myself.

Or maybe a colleague mentions that they’re struggling with their workload. The old you may jump in and say, I can totally help with that. Let me take this off of your plate, before they’ve even finished talking. The new you is going to let them finish. Let there be a little silence and then ask, what kind of support do you need right now? How can I help you the most here?

In a client meeting, maybe someone raises a concern. The old you would rush to reassure everyone you’ll take care of it. The new you is going to let the silence sit. It’s going to give the client space to fully express their thoughts.

And I want to tell you a story about Sarah, one of our recent resilient grads. She’s a director of product at a pretty fast growing tech company. She’s managing a team of about 10 people. And when she first joined the program, she was known as the person who could solve any issue, and it sounds like that would be a great reputation to have right. Except she was working until 9 PM. Most nights. She was jumping in to fill every crisis, which meant more people were bringing more crisis ease to her. And she felt like she couldn’t take a day off without everything falling apart. And in our first. A few coaching sessions with her, we started to notice this pattern of how she was quickly jumping in. Someone would mention a problem with the dev team, she had three solutions ready. A client was unhappy, she was already drafting an action plan. A team member was stuck on something, she ended up doing it herself.

So we worked with her to practice strategic silence. Even if it was just waiting five to 10 seconds before responding and the results really shocked and surprised her. And in her words, she said, the first time I didn’t jump in to solve a problem, I was totally terrified. But then I watched one of my quieter team members come up with an even better solution than I had in mind.

And within a couple of weeks, her team dynamics had completely shifted. Her senior product managers started handling client escalations by themselves. Her weekly team meetings went from her being the one doing all of the talking to real discussions where everyone was contributing and she was even able to take a week long vacation, something she hadn’t done in like four years and nothing fell apart.

But here’s where it was really driven home for her. The value of this. In her midyear review, her VP, her boss specifically noted how she had grown into a much more strategic leader. Because she wasn’t just doing more for more’s sake. She had created space for others to step up. She was empowering her team while she was also focusing on bigger picture initiatives. This is why we spend so much time and Resilient working on these seemingly small shifts. Because being the person with all of the answers might get you recognized at first, but over time it starts to work against you. And we want you to get to a place where you are seen as someone others actually respect.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

So there you have it. Today I shared with you three strategies to set yourself on the path to stop people pleasing. Use the 24 hour rule. Embrace B plus work. And try strategic silence.

Today, you got some high level tips, but we have not even come close to scratching the surface of what you get inside Resilient. This is the only program of its kind that takes you from second guessing yourself to leading with confidence from burning out, trying to please everyone to setting boundaries that actually stick from staying silent in meetings to speaking up with more authority.

And you don’t just have to take my word for it. Our alumni consistently say. That this program is life changing because it gives you exactly what other programs miss. You get a step by step curriculum, you get weekly live coaching for implementation, we give you concrete tools you can use in real work situations. We are not about vague advice, like you should just be more confident, or don’t take that so personally.

We give you actual scripts, strategies that will totally transform how you show up at work. And look, I know plenty of us have been burned before. There are plenty of programs out there that are making big promises. And frankly, they don’t deliver. There is a reason our alumni say Resilient is different. Because of its depth, its specificity, and most importantly, the hands on coaching support. We don’t just throw you in the classroom and say, good luck.

We’ll see you in 13 weeks. We are right there with you every single day, helping you navigate challenges in real time. We’re there when you need help drafting that difficult email, when you are preparing for that crucial conversation, when you are spiraling about whether you’re being too much or not enough.

Again, if you were listening to this at the time it is released, tomorrow, December 12th is the last day to secure your early bird rate, and it will never be this low again. The program officially begins January 16th, but if you join us now, you get immediate access to the classroom so you can jump into the orientation or first module on overcoming overthinking. You can access my entire coaching tools library. So you will be light years ahead come January 16th when we officially kick off.

And again, if you are listening in real time, we’re down to the last 24 hours to get your early bird spot. And saving money is great, I want you to do that, but I want you to think about, are you ready to decide to make a commitment to yourself? You are ready for a different way. Of working and leading one where you are not exhausted from managing everybody else’s needs. One where your sensitivity actually becomes an asset to you instead of your biggest struggle.

Head to melodywilding.com/resilient. Now to secure your spot, we’ll see you inside.

Also see you in the next episode. Thanks for tuning in to today’s episode of psychology at work. If you enjoyed the show, I’d be so grateful if you could take just a minute to rate and review wherever you are listening. It’s how we reach more professionals just like you. And if you’d like to see even more content on how to feel more self assured, grounded, and in control of your emotions and reactions at work, follow me on LinkedIn or head to the links in the show notes.