Episode Transcript

Melody Wilding (00:03.0)
Tell me if any of this sounds familiar. Sorry, can I just add something? I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m a bit confused. Sorry, it’s probably a silly question, but could you explain that part again? Sorry, I was just saying, no, I’m sorry, go ahead, I didn’t mean to interrupt you. This is what it’s like to over -apologize at work. Maybe you have fallen into this trap and you have found yourself saying, I’m sorry too much.

especially for things that don’t merit an apology in the first place. This is a bad habit that can morph into a reflex reaction. And it’s a self -defeating pattern of behavior that can not only be exhausting to you, but also to everyone else around you, your coworkers, your boss, your family. It’s saying sorry for things like occupying space, apologizing when someone bumps into you, or for just normal workplace interactions like…

needing clarification or help on something. Apologizing for the actions of other people, saying sorry for situations and mistakes made by others, taking on unnecessary…

apologizing for the actions of others, saying sorry for situations or mis –

Melody Wilding (01:22.272)
Apologizing for the actions of others, saying sorry for mistakes made by other people, taking on unnecessary responsibility for the actions of your colleagues. Apologizing before expressing an opinion or for speaking at all in a meeting, even when it’s entirely appropriate to do so. Overusing sorry in emails and messages.

Overusing sorry?

Melody Wilding (01:54.292)
Overusing sorry in emails or messages like apologizing for replying to emails, asking questions, giving necessary feedback. Saying sorry when you are following up on tasks or deadlines as if your normal responsibilities were an imposition. Now here’s the thing, while you may think you are being kind and polite, this habit can come from a desire to avoid conflict, to prioritize harmony.

even if it’s at the cost of your own voice or opinion. And it can often stem from making a fear of mistakes or offending other people. And it usually is a sign of a lack of confidence or not having the right assertiveness skills. It often shows you’re dependent on external validation because apologizing may be a subconscious way to seek reassurance. Because when you say, I’m sorry, are you hoping your coworker will say,

There’s nothing to apologize for or, no, you did a great job on that presentation. Now I want to be clear. Of course, apologizing is a powerful tool. We have to acknowledge our mistakes, but the problem comes when we overuse it. And that can dilute its meaning and it can impact your self -esteem and how others perceive you. Now over apologizing differs from healthy apologizing.

Specifically in its frequency, how often you do it, context, where you do it, and the effect or the impact it has. And understanding this distinction is really crucial. So I wanna explore just some of the key differences. So when it comes to healthy apologizing, when you do this, it’s in situations where you have made a mistake, you have to make amends, you have actually caused someone an inconvenience and you know that. It’s a sincere acknowledgement.

of a specific error, an oversight, a misjudgment. And a healthy apology is proportionate to the situation. It’s a genuine expression of remorse for something that happened. Regular apologizing respects your personal boundaries and your scope of responsibility, not taking on responsibility for things that are beyond your control or that really belong to other people. And

Melody Wilding (04:18.55)
It often has a positive outcome, has a positive impact. You resolve the conflict. Your relationship is better afterwards. There’s a sense of closure or reconciliation. Now, when it comes to over apologizing, this is different because it’s often excessive and misplaced. It means you’re saying sorry frequently and in situations where an apology is not warranted. And like I said, this often happens out of habit.

Usually there’s not even a specific reason or mistake or oversight that you’re addressing. It’s just a reflex and constant apologies, especially when they are in unnecessary context, it can indicate you have a lack of self -confidence. You have a fear of being perceived negatively. Blurred boundaries, over apologizing involves taking on guilt or responsibility for things that are beyond your control.

other people’s reactions, external circumstances, minor inconveniences that may or may not have even impacted someone. And over apologizing often leads to negative outcomes. Worse self -esteem, less respect from other people, other people not thinking you’re as competent, as capable, as assertive as maybe you think you are. So those are the key differences, context and necessity.

Regular apologies are context specific and necessary. Over apologizing is often inappropriate and unnecessary. Your self perception and impact. Healthy apologizing reflects healthy self awareness and responsibility, but over apologizing can stem from and reinforce a negative self perception. And the effect on relationships. Genuine apologies can actually strengthen your relationships while apologizing

Too much can weaken your authority and your confidence. So what do you do? Where do you even begin to curb this knee jerk habit? So much of it comes down to trusting yourself, which is at the core of everything we do inside of my coaching program, Resilient. I created this program because there was no place to get best in class training and support around leaving these habits people pleasing.

Melody Wilding (06:44.232)
overthinking behind and to give you the practical tools to do that, especially in the workplace where this often comes up the most so that you can actually enjoy your success without so much stress attached to it. And if you are interested in resilient, we always have limited spots. We always sell out. You can get all of the details for that at my website, melodywilding .com slash resilient. And of course we would love to have you join us for the three months of that program.

But today I want to give you some initial insights to set you on the path to getting over this knee -jerk habit of over -apologizing. First and foremost, it is crucial to understand not every situation requires an apology. It may seem obvious, but before rushing to say, I’m sorry, really take a moment to assess, I genuinely make a mistake here? Or is my apologizing

Trying to respond to someone else’s expectations or mistakes. So ask yourself, am I the one who’s really at fault here? Is this apology necessary or am I just trying to fill a silence or ease the tension? This just momentary reflection can help you prevent that unnecessary apology. Consciously slow down your speech. Don’t rush. This not only gives you more time to think,

before you speak, but actually speaking more slowly can exude greater confidence. And remind yourself that being overly apologetic does not necessarily make you seem more polite. In fact, it can diminish your presence.

My next tip is to start with your written communication. I say this because when you are working on your written communication, you have the chance to edit it, to be more thoughtful, to revise your words before sending them and other people seeing them. And so this is a great place to start when you’re curbing this tendency to over apologize because it allows you to be more deliberate. And it is more likely that you’ll reduce the likelihood of just including a lot of excessive apologies.

Melody Wilding (09:00.898)
So write your emails, write your messages as you normally would, but then go back and review them specifically to see if you are over apologizing. Look for instances where you might have said, sorry, unnecessarily. And for the most part, you can just cut those out. But one of my pro tips here, I think this one might be my favorite is to switch apology for gratitude. I’m gonna say that again, cause it’s so useful. Switch apology for gratitude.

Switch I’m sorry for thank you. Sorry, I can’t make it becomes thanks so much for thinking of me. Sorry for the delay here. Thanks for your patience. So some other swaps you can do instead of saying, sorry, can I add something? Try I’d like to add something instead of sorry, I didn’t understand that. Try could you please clarify that point instead of sorry, this might be a bad idea, but try.

Here’s another idea to consider.

Even when you do make a mistake, you don’t need to undermine yourself to make amends, especially if it’s a simple oversight, it’s a minor inconvenience, or it’s a difference in preferences. Instead of leading with an apology, start by acknowledging the situation. So you could say, I realize I overlooked the deadline for this project and follow that up by a solution. I’ve already started working on it and I will make sure this is done by tomorrow. So some other scripts you can use.

Thank you so much for pointing that out. I’ll make sure it’s corrected right away. I see where the error occurred. I’ll have a revised version to you shortly. I understand there was an oversight here and I’m addressing it. That was my mistake. I’m on it. Now that we’ve identified the issue here, here’s how I propose we handle it. I see your concern. Let’s discuss the next steps.

Melody Wilding (11:01.292)
Next is to allow for silence. Embracing silence can be a very, very powerful tool. And in conversations, we often rush to fill the space, sometimes with apologies because silence is very uncomfortable. But it really allows us that moment, that thoughtful pause, a second to reflect, and it can even be a sign of confidence because you’re not rushing to fill the air. You’re able to sit with it.

So start by practicing just a little bit more silence in some low -stake situations, casual conversations with colleagues, your friends, your family. Notice the urge to jump in and fill the silence and consciously resist it. Just wait a couple of more seconds than you normally would. And in meetings and discussions, you can use silence to your advantage. So after making a statement or presenting an idea,

Allow just a moment of dead air. This is great because it actually gives people time to absorb what you said and it can make sure that your words carry more weight. So instead of viewing silence as awkward, see it as an opportunity for your ideas to land. It’s a moment for others to digest and reflect and respond.

Please a reminder on your desk or your workstation. This can be a note, something like think before apologizing, or it can be any sort of visual clue that prompts you to be more mindful before you just start spewing apologies. You can also ask a colleague or mentor to gently point out when they hear you unnecessarily apologizing. So having someone who can help you become more aware in real time is very, very effective because

This may be so old hat to you that you’re not even aware when you’re doing it. And sometimes we’re not aware of our habits until someone else points them out. An entrusted colleague or a mentor can be so useful. Someone who understands your goals, respects you, who you interact with regularly. So explain why you’re asking them for their help and how they can best support you. Maybe it’s a subtle sign in a meeting or a private way they can point out that

Melody Wilding (13:24.642)
Hey, you’re getting into it again. Maybe it’s a particular phrase, a gesture, a quick I am. And after your colleague or mentor points it out, take a moment later, reflect on the situation, think about what was triggering that apology. What was the root cause? I feel put on the spot? Did I not know to go with my…

Melody Wilding (13:51.404)
This could be a particular phrase, a gesture, a quick message. And after your colleague or mentor points out that you’ve been unnecessarily apologizing again, just take a moment later to reflect on the situation. What triggered that response? Was it a certain person asking questions? Did you lose your place? Did you not know where to take your idea next? And then from there, think about how could I handle that differently next time?

So there you have it. We covered a lot today about what over apologizing is, why it happens, how it differs from healthy apologizing, and a lot of different tips to stop it. And so I would love to hear from you what you are going to put into action. So tag me on social media and let me know. And if you are someone who would like to build rock solid confidence so you can make clear and rational decisions,

so that you can feel safe disconnecting from work at the end of the day, have a life beyond the office. If you want to break free from people pleasing patterns that keep you overextended to tackle disagreements with your boss, your colleagues with ease, all of this and more is possible inside Resilient, my signature three month coaching program. You can get all of the details at melodywilding.com/Resilient.

Spaces are limited. only run this program a few times a year and we would love to see you inside. All right. Thank you so much for tuning in today and I’ll catch you in the next episode.