[00:00:00] How do you become fully confident and in control of your emotions and experience at work? It’s by mastering your own psychology and that of others. On this show, we decode the science of success, exploring how to get out of your own way and advance your career to new levels without becoming someone you’re not.

[00:00:24] I’m Melody Wilding, bestselling author, human behavior professor and award winning executive coach. Get ready and let’s put psychology to work for you.

[00:00:35] I want to ask you a few questions. Do you find your mind drifting to your to do list in the middle of family dinner? Do you catch yourself checking emails first thing in the morning as soon as you roll over? Do you habitually cancel plans with friends because you need to catch up on work? Do you use work as a reason to skip your hobbies, your workouts, other personal passions that used to bring you joy?

[00:01:02] If these questions are hitting maybe a little bit too close to home, you might be too emotionally invested in your work. And that’s exactly what we are going to talk about today.

[00:01:12] Before we get there though, I want to let you know that early enrollment is now open for Resilient. My signature three month coaching program that gives you step by step tools to regain your confidence, master your emotions, and turn your sensitivity into a strength in your career. And from now, the first day you are listening to this until December 12th, you can secure your spot at the early bird rate. You’re going to want to do that because this is the final time that this early bird rate will be offered. The price is going to increase for all future cohorts. So you want to head to melodywilding melodywilding.com/resilient for all of the details. The program officially kicks off January 16th, and we’re doing that so you are set up to enter 2025 focused on making an impact, not managing your self doubt. So flash forward to April and here’s where you could be. You could be confidently leading crucial conversations, your usual second guessing replaced by grounded certainty in the fact That you bring value to the table. You could be setting clear boundaries with your stakeholders, protecting your energy without so much guilt. You could be leaving your desk at 6 PM feeling accomplished for the day, rather than worrying about what other people think you could be getting praise from your boss for handling complex loaded situations with both a backbone and with your signature empathy. And you could specifically be the one requested for high visibility projects because you have become known for staying calm and clear under pressure. Resilient includes everything I have learned from working with professionals just like you for over a decade. And this is the place where you can be set up to achieve your goals while enjoying your inner peace, no matter what work throws at you. So again, get all of the details at melodywilding.com/resilient and secure your spot there.

[00:03:21] Now this idea of being too emotionally invested in your work actually connects directly to what we are exploring in today’s episode. And it’s one of the most common challenges that bring Sensitive Strivers, people we call here who are deep thinkers and high achievers, that brings them into Resilient.

[00:03:41] And here’s what I mean by this being too emotionally invested in work creates a vicious cycle. You care deeply about doing a good job, which then makes you more attuned and aware in every interaction, every piece of feedback, every subtle dynamic, and that heightened awareness, while it is usually valuable, can also become overwhelming.

[00:04:03] You start second guessing your decisions. You read into people’s casual comments. It’s like you’re carrying the weight of all of your work emotions into every other area of your life. And think about it. Have you ever had a situation where your boss says, we’ll discuss this later, and that sends you into hours of anxiety, or you get a slightly curt email and you’re rewriting your response 12 times. A team disagreement keeps you up at night. You’re replaying every word.

[00:04:36] The emotional investment that makes you great at your job It’s the same quality that can also make work feel impossibly heavy when you don’t have the right tools to manage it. And this is all too common for Sensitive Strivers.

[00:04:52] Again, that’s around here what we call high achievers who are also deep thinkers and feelers, They’re professionals who not only aim high, They want to achieve big. They also feel things deeply and they put a lot of pressure on themselves. Now you might wonder why I’m saying that Sensitive Strivers tend to end up being more emotionally invested in their work.

[00:05:14] And there’s six reasons. And this ties to what we call the six STRIVE Qualities. So first.

[00:05:20] First, we have Sensory Sensitivity, having a deep sense of empathy. We care about everything. We care about the job. We do our colleagues, our bosses, our customers. Our hearts are just big. And it’s hard for us to shoulder every challenge or disappointment that comes up.

[00:05:38] Second, we place really high standards on ourselves. We are committed to doing an excellent job. And on the other side of that, we’re terrified of letting anyone down. So we get so emotionally wound up in our work because we want to hit those very high standards every single time.

[00:05:57] Third, we are more emotionally responsive. We pick up on everyone’s emotions. We absorb all the stress and the tension floating around us at the office. So that means we may take on extra stress during tense periods or in response to our colleagues or our superior’s emotional states. We’re also deep thinkers. You’ve heard me use that phrase several times. We’re always mulling over our work. We’re wondering how to get better. We’re replaying situations. And that deep reflection, it keeps us emotionally tied to our work.

[00:06:34] And then we have our natural Inner Drive for us as Sensitive Strivers. Work is not just a nine to five. It’s a core part of who we are. Our identities. So when we get feedback or we face obstacles, it can hit us harder. And any perceived criticism, perceived failing at work is very personal to us. It intensifies our emotional connection to our work.

[00:06:59] And last. Let’s not forget that we as sensitive souls, we hate to disappoint the mere thought of disapproval or not hitting the mark that keeps us up at night. So we often pour all of our emotional energy into our work, trying to avoid and control that from ever happening.

[00:07:19] Now I want to be clear, it is great and it’s important to have drive and a love for your work. But sometimes, your emotional investment can tilt towards an unhealthy extreme.

[00:07:32] And I want to tell you about one of my clients who dealt with this and I’ll call him for the purposes of this episode today, I’ll call him Luis. Now, Luis, his assignments were very interesting. He enjoyed his coworkers. He was paid well. I’ll call him. But the problem is that he would get so emotionally invested in his work to the point where it would cloud his judgment, would affect his wellbeing. And he told me about this situation that once on a Friday, his boss called the last minute meeting to discuss a project that had been falling behind. And even though many of the reasons that The deliverable was late, we’re totally beyond Luis’s control. He felt like correcting the timeline landed solely on his shoulders. And so Luis worked all weekend getting that initiative back on track. He sacrificed sleep. He sacrificed time with his family.

[00:08:20] And many sensitive strivers, I’m sure you listening might be able to relate to Luis’s situation because being emotionally invested in your work can feel like a double edged sword. Your passion, your drive, they propel you to perform and do better and caring deeply about your work and your performance does give you a sense of satisfaction and meaning.

[00:08:41] But when you are too tied to it, that can become a huge drain and a weight to carry. And this is even more true now when we live in an age of remote work, of blurred boundaries, there’s less separation between our personal and professional lives. So it’s no wonder then why our careers are such a defining aspect of how we see ourselves.

[00:09:02] And while there’s typically nothing wrong with devoting yourself to your organization, your team success, the problem is when work starts to control your feelings and your actions. So how can you tell if you are too emotionally invested in your work? I want to give you a few subtle signs to look for and also a few ways to start taking back your power.

[00:09:27] Number one. You take criticism personally. When you are too emotionally invested in your work, criticism becomes more than just feedback. It’s a trigger for this complex, emotional waterfall that can derail your entire day, sometimes even your entire week. You might notice your heart racing when you get a simple, like, let’s discuss this email, or you feel, physically ill to your stomach after someone gives you constructive feedback, even a casual suggestion in a meeting can send you into that spiral of self doubt that makes it almost impossible to focus on anything else.

[00:10:07] And this is not just about being too sensitive. The real issue here runs a lot deeper.

[00:10:14] It’s really that your self worth has become entangled with your work identity. And when those two elements are fused together, every piece of feedback feels like a judgment, feels like an evaluation of you, your value as a person. A simple suggestion for improvement is like confirmation for your deepest fears about your inadequacy. Revisions might feel like a personal rejection. Even the most constructive criticism can trigger imposter syndrome.

[00:10:45] And again, then we have this vicious cycle that kicks off again. You become risk averse. You avoid situations where you might get criticism and then your growth stalls because you’re too afraid to receive feedback or you overwork, to prevent any possible criticism.

[00:11:04] So the goal here, the fix is not to just tell yourself to care less about work. That’s not going to happen. You need to care more strategically and selectively. So the next time, before you jump to conclusions, I want you to separate the criticism of your work as a product from the criticism of you as a person. As a person, and here’s an exercise you can use to objectively make sense of what’s been shared with you. I want you to grab a sheet of paper and split it into four columns. In the first column, you’re going to write down exactly what was shared with you. Word for word, as much as you can remember, word for word, what was verbatim in that email. Next, in the second column, you’re going to list everything that feels wrong with the feedback, inaccuracies, blind spots, things that are unfair. You’ve gotten out all the negativity and your angst. Now switch gears in the third column to reflect on what could potentially be useful. Is there a small kernel, just a little insight that could actually improve your workflow, your skills? And then in the fourth column, commit to next steps. This is important. You’ve processed the feedback, but now it’s about what are you going to do about it? So maybe you need to schedule a followup conversation. Maybe you need to make a correction or you just need to take a walk around the block to clear your head and move on with your day.

[00:12:34] Sign number two, you are too emotionally invested in work, is that work follows you home. This is one of the clearest signs when you can’t seem to leave things at the office. And I’m not talking about answering occasional emails after hours. I’m talking about that constant hum of work in your mind, even during moments that should be all yours. And I’m sure you know what I mean. You’re checking slack during family dinner, you’re mentally drafting emails while you’re trying to watch a movie, you’re waking up at 3am worried about tomorrow’s presentation. Now here’s what’s really going on in this situation. You’re not just being dedicated to your job, you are using it as your primary source of validation. You might find yourself staying late, not because of real deadlines, but because leaving on time somehow feels wrong, somehow feels like you’re, you’re not doing enough. The thought of taking a real break makes you anxious, as if like stepping away might prove that you’re not as essential as you want to feel, or you need to feel. And while you might think that you are showing commitment, You are actually caught in another self defeating cycle. Every time you skip a workout to finish just one more thing, or you check email during your kid’s soccer game, you’re not just crossing a boundary, you are reinforcing the idea that your worth comes mainly from your work output. And over time, this makes it harder and harder to find joy in other parts of your life, or to maintain the perspective that you need to make important career moves.

[00:14:16] Breaking this pattern starts with a very important mindset shift about what it means to be productive. I want you to think about productivity a little more like an athlete’s training schedule. No elite Olympic athlete would think of recovery as optional. They know it is essential needs to be built into their schedule for their peak performance. And the same goes for you. Being always on is not a badge of honor. It’s a sign that you need better boundaries around how you manage your energy. And I want you to hear this. Rest is a prerequisite for your performance. It is not a reward that you earn. When you protect your downtime, you show up sharper, you’re more creative, you’re more strategic, you make better decisions, you handle difficult conversations more skillfully, you spot opportunities that other people miss.

[00:15:15] But this doesn’t just happen. You need concrete rituals to signal to your brain at the end of the day that we have to shift gears. So I want you to start a daily closeout ritual. Maybe you set a firm wrap up alarm. You treat it like it’s an important meeting with yourself because it is. Maybe you Iron out or you put aside 10 minutes at the end of the day to work on tomorrow’s to do list. You focus on your top three priorities or you clean off your desk, you clear all your browser tabs. And that physical cleanup helps you create more of a deliberate transition between work and home. I want you to think of this more as creating buffer zone between your work self and your and your home self.

[00:16:01] All right. The third sign you are too emotionally invested in work. You are a people pleaser. People pleasing is often at the heart of this, and it’s more than just being nice or too helpful. This pattern shows up almost as a compulsive need to be the workplace hero, to be the one who never says no, the person everyone can always count on. And on the surface, That looks really helpful. You’re a team player, but if you dig deeper, it is often driven by a deep seated fear, disapproval, or conflict. So you might find yourself staying late to help a colleague with a project while your own work piles up. Or maybe because you’re constantly volunteering for additional responsibilities, not because you want to, but because you feel guilty saying no. And you might even notice, that you are changing your opinions in meetings because you want to avoid rocking the boat or you’re holding back important feedback because you don’t want to upset someone.

[00:17:02] The real trap of people pleasing is how it tricks us into thinking we are being a team player. You tell yourself you’re being generous and collaborative, but there’s often a huge hidden cost to that. So that pit in your stomach every time you see a certain colleague’s name in your inbox The resentment that builds when you’re working through lunch, yet again, to meet someone else’s deadline. Those are important emotional signals. They’re emotional signals you are suppressing your own needs in service of an impossible goal, which is trying to keep everyone else happy all over the time. Each time you take on more than your fair share of work or you avoid asking for help, you think it might make you look weak, but when you do that, you are not just overextending yourself. You are telling yourself, signaling to yourself that your success at work depends on you constantly accommodating other people.

[00:18:06] Now, the key to breaking this pattern starts with recognizing those emotional signals, recognizing resentment in particular as your internal warming sign. It’s like a big red flashing light that something needs to change when you feel underappreciated or overlooked, despite doing more than everybody else, that is a clear sign. Your boundaries need attention. And that motion of resentment can be really helpful, it guides you, it helps you prioritize specific situations where you need to reassess and realign your involvement with your actual role and responsibilities.

[00:18:47] And I’m sure you’ve heard the phrases before, don’t take your work so personally, leave your work at work. But it’s easier said than done, especially for those of us who tend to pour our entire hearts and souls into everything we do. But if you don’t have any self concept beyond what you do for a living, that is a very risky place to be. You might live in fear of losing your job. Because your entire sense of identity would go with it. This is called low self complexity, low self complexity. And it’s the idea when we link our identity to one singular aspect. And studies have shown that lower self complexity is connected to higher emotional reactivity and less resilience to stress. Now, a little psychological distance from your work can go a very long way here. That doesn’t mean quiet quitting. It doesn’t mean disengaging, but rather that you distinguish who you are from what you do.

[00:19:50] So I want you to ask yourself beyond being a leader or manager, who am I to the people I care about? Do things you enjoy outside of work. You need to build a sense of mastery and proficiency beyond your job. Following, a really severe period of burnout, one of my clients actually took up flower arranging as her creative outlet. I’ve had other clients who took up studying space physics. Another one began volunteering with their local animal shelter. And each of these activities develop their sense of self, it gave them identities to lean on when work didn’t go as planned.

[00:20:29] So I want you to remember here, your job is something you do. It is not the totality of who you are. Your job is an important part of your life, but it’s not everything. It’s a role you play in a certain context, but it is not the full representation of who you are. You’re not just an executive, an engineer, a teacher, a consultant. You are a friend, a parent, a sibling, an artist, a hiker, lover of good coffee, fan of quirky movies.

[00:21:00] The list goes on and on.

[00:21:02] So let’s recap those four signs you are too emotionally invested in work. Number one, you take criticism personally. Number two, work follows you home. Number three, you’re a people pleaser. Number four, your identity is your job title.

[00:21:19] I want to be really clear and reiterate this, that being less emotionally invested in your work does not mean not caring at all. What we are aiming for here is a healthy balance. Where we are both passionate and engaged, but not to the point where our job is consuming our entire self and it’s dictating our emotional state. And when you do that, when you find this balance, you gain so much. You make better decisions, you’re able to step back emotionally to see situations more objectively. You can assess risks, consider different perspectives, you can make choices that serve the best interest of the team or project, rather than just being guided by your own insecurities.

[00:22:05] You’re more agile. Setbacks at work become just that they become temporary setbacks, not personal failures. So you recover more quickly. You bounce back. Your self worth isn’t so tied to every outcome.

[00:22:19] You also tend to have better work life balance because when your emotions aren’t wrapped up in your job, it’s easier to switch off at the end of the day. You can enjoy your downtime. You can enjoy your life outside of work without that constant undercurrent of stress.

[00:22:34] And you tend to have greater job satisfaction. So this is very counterintuitive that being less emotionally invested at work can actually lead you to enjoying your job more. But when your identity isn’t hinging on work, you’re more likely to view your job as a meaningful part of your life. And it helps you enjoy the positives and to navigate the challenges when they do come up without being so overwhelmed.

[00:23:01] So we covered a lot today from why Sensitive Strivers tend to be more emotionally invested in their work, signs you might be, and strategies to combat it. And we talked about some of the benefits, what you gain when you commit to finding that balance between work and your identity. And if today’s conversation about emotional over investment in work resonated with you, then I want to share something that will help you go from constantly absorbing workplace stress to channeling your sensitivity into strategic leadership without losing the thoughtfulness that makes you great at what you do.

[00:23:40] Because here’s what I know, understanding these patterns is one thing, but actually shifting and changing them over the longterm. That’s where many of us get stuck. You may know intellectually that you should set boundaries, but in the moment your people pleasing takes over, you know, you’re overthinking that email, but you still can’t seem to hit send without checking it three more times. You tell yourself don’t take things so personally, but that casual comment from your boss still ruins your day.

[00:24:11] This is exactly why I created Resilient. My signature three month group coaching program that opens for early enrollment today. You’re going to want to head to melodywilding.com/resilient.

[00:24:26] You’ll find all of the details there, and that’s where you can also snag the current early bird rate. It is only available for one week until December 12th. And after this, this early bird rate. It goes away for all future cohorts.

[00:24:39] Resilient is not just another training that gives you surface level tips. We’re not about gimmicks or temporary fixes. What sets this program apart is how we combined three critical elements.

[00:24:54] So first you get science backed frameworks that that actually work for the way you are wired as a more perceptive person. I like to call Resilient my university for sensitive strivers because it’s really my best tools and methodologies drawn from my therapeutic background and now over 12 years of coaching top performers at some of the world’s biggest companies. We are not trying to turn you into someone you’re not. Instead, we are leveraging proven psychological principles and practices to help you take your overthinking, to turn that into decisive action and to turn overwhelm into grounded clarity and composure.

[00:25:38] Second, you get real time coaching every single week with me and my certified co coach. This is what makes. The true difference between knowing what to do and actually doing it. Because let’s be honest, most programs give you theories that sound great, but they completely fall apart, when you’re sitting in that high stakes meeting, you’re feeling your heart race as you try to speak up. Or you’re staring at your inbox at 10 PM, thinking through how to respond to your boss’s ambiguous feedback. That’s when you need more than just information. You need real time guidance and feedback and in resilient, we are there with you every step of the way, whether you are preparing for a difficult conversation, you’re processing a difficult interaction, you’re navigating some complex team dynamics, you can get specific personalized coaching on exactly what to say or do next. No more wondering if you are applying the strategies correctly or second guessing your approach. You get expert eyes on your situation. We help you turn your insights into action when it matters most.

[00:26:47] And third, you are welcomed into a carefully curated community of fellow Sensitive Strivers, people who truly get it. This is not just a superficial networking group where you have to justify or explain yourself. For the first time, probably in your entire career and life, you will be surrounded by professionals who immediately understand. Why that offhand comment in a meeting spent you reeling for three days. Who ignore exactly what it’s like to lie awake, rehearsing tomorrow’s presentation. Nobody here is going to tell you to toughen up or to stop taking things so personally. The community becomes the place where years of shame, around being too sensitive, being too emotional, that finally melts away where you can openly share your challenges without fear of being judged. Where your careful analysis, your deep processing is seen as a strength, not a nuisance.

[00:27:49] So I want you to imagine just three months from now, you walk into a meeting with your leadership, feeling calm and ready. Instead of second guessing every word, you are making decisions swiftly and you are standing behind them, even when you get pushback. You are navigating the office politics around you with clarity and confidence, not just constant anxiety. You are setting boundaries that stick because you finally believe in your right to have them.

[00:28:19] This is not just another program. We are not just going to have you endlessly read books. You’re not going to be trying to piece together random tips and tricks. We have done all of the hard work for you and Resilient is the only program of its kind that offers a comprehensive structured approach specifically designed for you as a Sensitive Striver. We have distilled years of research, real world experience. Proven strategies into a powerful and streamlined system. So no more spinning your wheels, no more trying one size fits all advice. Resilient is your shortcut to lasting change. We have a step by step roadmap that takes you from where you are now to where you want to be confident, composed, in control. Each module builds on the last, so you’re not just taking in information, learning things for the sake of it, but you are developing real world skills you can apply immediately.

[00:29:21] Now, many of our alumni, they frequently tell us they have more than 10X their investment in the program. We have had people land six figure bonuses, secure skip level promotions to step into bigger roles that they thought were totally out of reach for them. But it’s their internal shifts, those are truly priceless, the newfound confidence that radiates from you in every meeting, the peace of mind that comes from knowing you can handle whatever challenges come up, the ability to push back without guilt, to speak up without overthinking every thought, to actually disconnect from work and enjoy your life.

[00:30:00] It’s hard to put a price tag on any of that waking up every day excited instead of anxious. So if you want to say goodbye to feelings of inadequacy that are driving you to overwork, if you want to feel more comfortable in your own skin, if you want to stop floundering and instead make decisive choices without worrying, now is the best time to join us.

[00:30:24] The early bird rate is only available today, December 4th through December 12th. After that, the price goes up to the regular rate, which is an additional $500. And keep in mind, this is the last time, we will ever be offering this early bird rate. It will be going up for all future cohorts after this.

[00:30:45] So head to melodywilding.com/resilient. You can find all of the details there and secure your spot, or you can also check out the show notes. I’m so excited to see you inside Resilient and I will talk to you in the next episode.

[00:30:59] Thanks for tuning in to today’s episode of psychology at work. If you enjoyed the show, I’d be so grateful if you could take just a minute to rate and review wherever you are listening. It’s how we reach more professionals just like you. And if you’d like to see even more content on how to feel more self assured, grounded, and in control of your emotions and reactions at work, follow me on LinkedIn or head to the links in the show notes.