At the time I’m recording this, we’ve just wrapped up enrollment for the very first cohort of my newest program, Speak Like a Senior Leader™. We welcomed in our founding 100 members. The energy and excitement is already amazing, and we can’t wait to work with each and every one of them, teaching them the SPEAK™ system to do everything from present with poise, express their impact and the value of their results and keep composure under pressure. 

THESE are the hyperpractical, nuanced strategies that shape how people perceive you—and ultimately, whether they see you as a peer or a protégé. Whether they see you as someone they can bet on and trust with bigger and better opportunities, or who just quietly fades into the background. The fact that this first cohort sold out in record time is testament to just how hungry people are to stop being the overlooked workhorse. And that’s why we created this program. Because sadly work is more competitive and cutthroat than ever. Layoffs, reorgs—it’s not enough to be smart and hardworking anymore. You have to speak in a way that makes people stop and listen. That’s the entire point of Speak Like a Senior Leader™—helping you master the moments that shape perception – to show you how to come across as clear, crisp, and credible in every meeting, presentation, and 1:1 conversation. The kind of communication that makes opportunities come to you, instead of always having to chase them. To have the leverage to write their own job description, request and get more budget, negotiate for Fridays off. That’s what is possible when how you present yourself matches your expertise. 

The next cohort of Speak Like a Senior Leader™ will start in January, so if you’re even considering joining us, now’s the time to get on the waitlist which you can do at https://speaklikeaseniorleader.com. Because if this time is an indication, we WILL sell out and quickly. You’ll be the first to know when enrollment opens—and you’ll get access to the best offer.

Now, with September just around the corner, we’re also gearing up for enrollment for another program you’ve probably heard me talk about if you’ve been a longtime listener—RESILIENT.

Over the last 5 years, we’ve had over 500 professionals pass through our doors and create incredible results for themselves to double their confidence at work in just 90 days. And we have the stats to prove it. RESILIENT is perfect for you if you identify with being a Sensitive Strivers: if you’re both highly sensitive and high achieving. You care deeply, feel deeply, think deeply. You’re the kind of person who notices everything. Who goes the extra mile. Who feels immense responsibility not just for your work, but for the people around you. You give your 110% to work, all with an inner world that feels like it’s on overdrive. 

You can learn more about RESILIENT in the show notes or at melodywilding.com/resilient, but I want to answer a question I’ve been getting a lot. Which is how do I know what program is right for me: RESILIENT or Speak Like a Senior Leader™. So let’s talk about that for a moment because it’s also important groundwork for our topic today. 

Everything we offer centers around one key goal: helping you step into your professional power position. That’s the sweet spot, the intersection, where confidence in yourself meets influence with others. Here’s how I want you to think about it. Picture a Venn diagram. On one side, you mastering your OWN psychology – your emotions, insecurities, reactions, self-talk. That’s what RESILIENT focuses on – teaching you to get out of your own way, stop the internal gymnastics so you can be more self assured, grounded and in control. We show you how to make your sensitivity work FOR you instead of against you. 

The other side of the venn diagram manages OTHERS people’s psychology. Communicating clearly. Persuading powerfully. Navigating office politics without selling your soul. That’s where Speak Like a Senior Leader™ comes in.

And where those two circles overlap? That’s your professional power position. If you want to dive deeper on this concept, scroll back to episode 32. I unpack the professional power position in much more detail there. 

But here’s a mistake most people – and honestly, most professional development programs – completely miss. They skip the internal side of the equation. They’ll hand you a script. Or a template. Or a communication framework. And don’t get me wrong—we teach those too. They’re incredibly valuable. You do need the right words to navigate a tough conversation, present your ideas clearly, or influence someone more senior. But if the real problem isn’t so much WHAT to say, but addressing what’s getting in the way of saying it, then any external strategy will fall flat. 

None of that matters if your imposter syndrome is flaring so badly you can’t even get the words out. If you get defensive the moment you’re questioned. If your overworking habit has you so drained that you don’t even have the capacity to raise your hand for the stretch opportunity.

That something – that invisible hand that pulls you back just as you’re about to step forward, that quiet force that turns your strength into a stumbling block, that’s what we’re talking about. 

And in a word… it all comes down to self-sabotage. Which is exactly what I want to talk about today.

Self-sabotage isn’t always just shrinking back or playing small. Sometimes it’s the complete opposite – it’s the overreaction that makes you look defensive when someone questions your work. It’s the white-knuckling through projects when you’re completely burned out instead of asking for help. It’s pushing so hard that you end up snapping at your team or coming across as difficult to work with.

It shows up when your nervous system hijacking your best intentions. Your brain – in its well-meaning attempt to keep you safe, looking competent, and feeling in control – either pulls you back from opportunities OR pushes you so hard that you end up creating the very problems you were trying to avoid.

It’s the mental and emotional patterns that feel like survival in the moment but cost you relationships, respect, and peace of mind in the long run. Self-sabotage is your mind’s way of saying, “I have to protect us at all costs”. 

The sneakiest kind of self-sabotage is the kind that disguises itself in good intentions and  being a “good employee.”  Underneath that facade of “just wanting to be a team player” “not sounding arrogant” being humble, reliable – underneath that – fear, doubt, and a desire for approval are quietly calling the shots. And let’s be honest, nobody wakes up in the morning and says I think I’m going to make my life more difficult for myself today. But that’s what ends up happening—especially for Sensitive Strivers. 

All those inner gymnastics – the stories you make up, the mental rehearsals of conversations that might never happen, the spiraling thoughts, the constant calculating of other people’s emotions. It’s exhausting. And it makes work so much harder than it needs to be. So much more intense. So much more stressful.

The wild part is you’re often the only one who knows this rollercoaster is happening. On the outside, you look composed. Put-together. Like you have it all figured out. Like you’re constantly managing not just your workload itself, but your reactions to your work. Your feelings about your feelings. Your thoughts about your thoughts.

So today what I want to do is dissect  X subtle, sneaky ways self-sabotage shows up at work. And I’m not talking about the obvious stuff you see in every listicle online like “comparison” “burnout”, not speaking up for yourself. We’re getting more nuanced here. These may even be things you’ve prided yourself on for years or received praise about.  But it’s time to come face to face with how they are holding you back from the impact, recognition, and peace of mind you actually want and deserve. 

1. Sneaky self sabotage sign #1- You overweight the possibility of failure. You underweight the possibility of success. I’m not talking about run of mill fear of failure here where you have chicken little “the sky is falling” syndrome and catarophize that everything is going to fall down around you, although that IS a form of self sabotage too. But this form is more insidious because disguises itself as responsibility. As being prudent and “realistic” about what could happen. You may not even think of yourself as someone who’s afraid to fail. You think of yourself as someone who’s smart enough to see potential problems and thinks things through. Who considers all the angles, doesn’t make rash decisions.

But here’s what’s actually happening in your brain: when you encounter an opportunity, you automatically start calculating the odds of failure. Let’s say you get invited to a big industry conference. Immediately, your brain starts running the numbers. In your mind, it feels like there’s an 80% chance this will be a bad investment. “What if I don’t meet anyone useful? What if the sessions are boring? What if I feel awkward at the networking events? What if it’s a waste of money?”

But that math is completely made up. You have no actual data to support those odds. You’re not factoring in the possibility that you’ll make a valuable connection, learn something that changes how you approach your work, or simply enjoy getting out of your routine.

It’s the same thing when, let’s say, you’re offered the chance to mentor new hires. Your brain immediately jumps to turning down the opportunity because you “don’t feel experienced enough yet” and “they deserve someone who really knows what they’re doing.” Sounds humble, right? But you’re completely ignoring the equally likely scenarios: What if they’re grateful for your perspective? What if teaching them helps you understand your own knowledge better? What if you discover you’re actually good at developing people?

This is faulty logic: you’re treating every potential negative outcome as equally IF NOT MORE likely, while treating positive outcomes as unlikely bonuses that probably won’t happen. You’ve essentially rigged the equation so that risk always outweighs reward – not because the actual probabilities support that conclusion. The truth is, you have no more evidence that the conference will be a waste of time than you do that it will be valuable. You have no more reason to believe you’ll fail as a mentor than you do to believe you’ll succeed. And that assumption – that failure is more probable than success – becomes the basis for all your “responsible” decisions.

And while you’re so busy protecting yourself from potential downsides, you’re systematically eliminating potential upsides. When you pass on that conference, you don’t just miss out on the sessions – you miss out on the casual conversation at coffee break where someone mentions their company is hiring for exactly your dream role. When you decline to mentor someone, you don’t just avoid the awkward moments – you lose the chance to learn what the newest hires are actually struggling with, which could inform how you approach your own projects.

You miss out on compound growth, because opportunities build on each other in ways you can’t predict or plan for. When you consistently choose the safe option, you’re actually moving backwards relative to everyone else who is taking those calculated risks. And yes, sometimes those risks don’t pay off. Sometimes the conference is boring, the mentor relationship is awkward, the stretch project is frustrating. But even then, you’re building tolerance for discomfort, practice with uncertainty, and a reputation as someone who’s willing to lean into challenges.

Plus, there’s a flipside to responsibility you need to consider. Being responsible to take advantage of opportunities you DO have. To making the choice that honors the investment others have made in you, the skills you’ve developed, and the impact you could have. Sometimes being truly responsible means being willing to be a little uncomfortable in service of something bigger. There’s also a responsibility to future you that you’re completely ignoring. Every opportunity you pass up is just an investment in your own stagnation. When you frame avoiding risk as being responsible, you’re really being responsible to your fears rather than your potential. You’re prioritizing the certainty of staying exactly where you are over the possibility of becoming who you could be.

2. Switching gears to sneaky self sabotage sign #2, planning to plan. 

You sit down every month and write out your goals. You make lists of what you want to accomplish. And buried in those lists are items like “create a system for better work-life balance” or “develop a framework for managing my workload” or “put together my approach for the next performance review.” Sounds productive, right? You’re being strategic. You’re not just jumping into things willy-nilly.

But what you’re REALLY doing is using planning as a way to avoid the hard mental work of figuring out what you actually need to do. Let me show you what I mean. You write down “create better work-life balance system” and check it off your list. You feel accomplished. You’ve made progress. But what does that actually mean? What specific boundaries are you going to set? Which meetings are you going to decline? What time are you going to stop checking email?

You have no idea. And that’s exactly my point.

You’re staying at the surface level because diving deeper would require you to some confront uncomfortable realities that maybe feel too daunting. Like the fact that better boundaries means disappointing people who expect you to be available 24/7. Or that managing your workload means saying no to projects that sound interesting. Or that preparing for your performance review means honestly assessing where you’ve fallen short this year. So instead of doing the hard thinking work of getting specific, you keep everything vague and high-level. You give yourself the psychological satisfaction of “working on your goals” without actually committing to anything concrete.

Then what happens? You block out time on your calendar to “work on work-life balance.” The hour arrives, you sit down at your computer, and you have absolutely no idea what you’re supposed to be doing. Because “work on work-life balance” isn’t an action – it’s a concept.

So like a gravitational pull, you start checking email instead. Or you get sucked into reading articles about productivity systems you’re not actually going to implement. Or you spend forty-five minutes reorganizing your task management app for the third time this month. Then you beat yourself up for “not prioritizing yourself” and promise to do better next time.

But the problem isn’t your discipline. It’s your thinking. You’re being intellectually lazy by refusing to get specific about what you actually need to do. Real planning would mean writing down: “Stop checking email after 7 PM starting Monday.” Or “Decline any meeting requests that don’t include an agenda.” That’s the hard mental work you’re avoiding. Because once you get that specific, you can’t hide behind the planning anymore. You either do it or you don’t. You either stop checking email at 7 PM or you don’t. You either decline the agenda-less meeting or you don’t. And that’s exactly why you keep it vague. Vague goals feel safer because there’s always wiggle room. There’s always a way to convince yourself you’re making progress without actually putting yourself on the line.

You think you’re being thoughtful by taking time to plan. But what you’re really doing is giving yourself an easy out. You’re creating busywork that feels important but requires zero vulnerability or commitment.

3. That leads us perfectly into sneaky self-sabotage sign #3 – you negotiate with yourself. In other words, you treat commitments to yourself like they’re suggestions.

You know that person who’s always canceling plans at the last minute? Who says they’ll be there and then texts an hour before with some excuse? You probably find that frustrating, maybe even disrespectful.

Well, you’re doing the exact same thing to yourself. Every single day.

You decide you’re going to work out three times this week. Tuesday rolls around, you’re tired from a long day, and suddenly you’re having an internal negotiation: “Well, I could go tomorrow instead. Or maybe I’ll do four times next week to make up for it. Really, consistency over the long term is what matters, right?”

You commit to leaving the office by 6 PM so you can actually have an evening. Six-fifteen comes around, you’re in the middle of something, and the rationalization begins: “I’m on a roll here. It would be more efficient to just finish this now. I can leave early tomorrow instead.”

You’re treating every commitment you make to yourself as optional. As a starting point for negotiation rather than an actual agreement.

But think about this – if you had a meeting with your CEO at 2 PM, would you show up at 2:15 because you were “in the middle of something”? If you promised to deliver a report to a client by Friday, would you decide on Thursday that “next Tuesday would actually work better”?

Of course not. Because you understand that your word matters when it comes to other people. You show up because you said you would. You deliver because you promised you would.

But when it comes to promises to yourself? Those are apparently negotiable.

And to add to that, you’re probably moving the goalposts every time you get close to achieving something.

You finally work up the courage to have that difficult conversation with your manager about your workload. It goes well – they’re understanding, they agree to redistribute a few tasks. But instead of acknowledging that you successfully advocated for yourself, you immediately start thinking about all the other conversations you should be having, all the other boundaries you should be setting.

In this case self-sabotage is masquerading as high standards. You think you’re being ambitious, pushing yourself to do better. But what you’re actually doing is ensuring that you never get to experience the satisfaction of following through on something you said you’d do.

Every time you negotiate with yourself, you’re teaching yourself that your word doesn’t matter. That your commitments are flexible. That showing up for yourself is optional.

And here’s the thing about integrity – it’s like a muscle. The more you practice keeping your word to yourself on small things, the easier it becomes to trust yourself with bigger things. The more you break small promises to yourself, the harder it becomes to believe you’ll follow through when it really counts.

When you can’t trust yourself to leave work at 6 PM, why would you trust yourself to apply for that promotion? When you can’t trust yourself to work out three times a week, why would you trust yourself to start that side business? When you can’t trust yourself to tackle the important project on Monday morning, why would you trust yourself to have the difficult conversation with your manager?

You’ve created a pattern where your own commitments are the first thing to go when life gets complicated. And then you wonder why you feel stuck, why you can’t seem to make progress on the things that matter to you, why you don’t feel confident taking on bigger challenges.

It’s because you’ve trained yourself not to trust yourself. You’ve made your own word meaningless through a thousand small negotiations and moved goalposts.

The people who actually achieve their goals aren’t necessarily more disciplined or more motivated. They’re just more committed to treating their word to themselves as seriously as their word to everyone else.

4. You’re “Emotionally Skimming. Let me describe what that means. Someone asks how you’re doing after a particularly rough day at work, and you say “I’m stressed.” Your manager gives you feedback that doesn’t land well, and you tell your partner “I’m anxious.” You’re dealing with a difficult colleague, and say you’re “frustrated.”

Sounds like you’re in touch with your emotions, right? You’re not one of those people who just says “fine” all the time. You acknowledge when things aren’t going well. But you’re emotionally skimming. You’re staying at the surface level, touching briefly on what you’re feeling without diving deeper into what’s actually happening underneath.

It’s like skimming an article – you get the headline, maybe the first paragraph, but you miss all the important details that would actually help you understand the full story. And just like skimming an article leaves you with incomplete information, emotionally skimming leaves you with incomplete understanding of what’s really going on.

And by staying at this surface level, you’re actually preventing yourself from solving the problems that are creating these emotions in the first place.

Let me show you what I mean. You come home and tell yourself you’re “stressed about work.” What’s actually happening beneath that surface? Are you overwhelmed by the volume of tasks? Are you worried about missing a deadline? Are you feeling underqualified for a new responsibility? Are you frustrated by lack of clarity from your manager? Are you resentful about taking on someone else’s work?

Those are five completely different problems that would require five completely different solutions. But by skimming along the surface with “stressed,” you’ve essentially given yourself permission to stay confused and do nothing. you get to feel like you’re processing your emotions without actually having to do anything about them. You get to stay in the problem instead of moving toward a solution.

Real emotional depth would sound like: “I’m feeling defensive about the feedback because I think my manager doesn’t understand how much effort I put into this project.” Or “I’m feeling resentful that I’m expected to take on this extra work without any discussion about reprioritizing other things.”

That’s not skimming – that’s diving deep enough to understand what’s actually driving the feeling. And notice how those deeper insights point toward specific actions you could take, while “stressed” and “frustrated” leave you nowhere to go except to keep feeling bad.

Emotional skimming is a way of avoiding responsibility for your own experience. When you stay vague about what’s bothering you, you get to maintain the story that things are happening to you rather than acknowledging that there might be things you could do differently.

It’s also a way of avoiding the discomfort that comes with honest self-reflection. Because when you dig deeper into why you’re really feeling defensive about that feedback, you might have to admit that part of you knows your manager has a point. 

So let’s recap the four sneaky, subtle signs you’re self-sabotaging at work:

Sign #1: You overweight the possibility of failure and underweight the possibility of success. You think you’re being responsible, but you’re actually making decisions based on made-up math that assumes the worst-case scenario is most likely.

Sign #2: You’re planning to plan. You create vague, high-level goals that feel productive but require zero commitment or vulnerability, then wonder why you never make progress.

Sign #3: You negotiate with yourself. You treat your own commitments as optional suggestions while moving the goalposts every time you get close to achieving something.

Sign #4: You’re emotionally skimming. You stay at the surface level with feelings like “stressed” or “frustrated” instead of diving deep enough to understand what’s actually driving those emotions – and what you could do about them.

Now, if these patterns happen once or twice, it’s easy to brush them off. But my guess is that’s not the case for you. Now that you’ve heard these patterns described, you’re probably realizing they weave themselves into so much of how you navigate your work and career without you even realizing it. And there’s a real cost to that. The emotional and mental drain of going through each day like you’re weighed down by a 50 lb anchor. The tangible career cost of missing out on money and opportunities. 

You might be feeling overwhelmed right now just hearing these signs and thinking, “Where do I even start with untangling all of this?!” I also know there’s probably another feeling happening right now – a little bit of relief. Maybe even excitement. Because for the first time, these vague, frustrating patterns that have been quietly sabotaging your progress finally have names. Finally make sense.You’ve been caught in these loops that masquerade as good professional behavior, and now you can see them for what they really are. That moment of recognition – that “Oh my God, that’s exactly what I do” feeling – that’s actually the beginning of change. Because you can’t shift what you can’t see. And you’ve been operating with these patterns for so long that they felt like just “how you are” rather than behaviors you could actually do something about. And I hope this episode has begun shifting that. 

There’s something powerful about having language for what’s been happening. When you can say ” Oh I’m overweighting failure” instead of just feeling like you’re “not good at taking risks,”  or when you can identify “I’m planning to plan” instead of wondering why you never follow through on your goals, you regain a sense of agency. You’re no longer the victim and at the mercy of these patterns.

 If you want to take THAT feeling even further, and if you want to the #1 root cause behind feeling like you’re too much or not enough in your career – and stop wasting time and energy solving the wrong problem. Then you’re going to want to RSVP for our upcoming free training. “60 Minutes to Defeat Self-Sabotage” on August 14th at 12 PM Eastern. Just head to melodywilding.com/60minutes to grab your spot. 

I know self sabotage can feel like this thing that may take years to unpack, but I’ve identified 6 traits that are the source for your overthinking, overworking, and more – and once you identify which ONE the biggest culprit for YOU you reclaim time, energy, and space. Remember to RSVp at https://melodywilding.com/60minutes. 

That;s all for today and I will talk to you in the next episode. Bye for now!