Marcus, a technical operations director, felt physically ill at the thought of giving tough feedback to his team. He believed that as a leader, it should be easy. But as a Sensitive Striver, it felt overwhelming.
He managed a diverse team at a multinational cybersecurity firm, excelling in handling multiple tasks and cultural nuances. He was always there for his staff, even taking the blame in situations. However, delivering feedback to his team was Marcus’s Achilles’ heel. He worried about damaging the relationships he valued so much and spent excessive time overthinking what to say.
This fear became evident when a critical project led by Addison, a key team member, failed. Marcus had noticed signs of trouble but didn’t voice his concerns, hoping it would resolve itself. This silence led to losing their biggest account to a competitor. Marcus’s regret was clear: he felt he could have prevented the failure had he spoken up earlier.
Fearing feedback is common among leaders, especially those who identify as Sensitive Strivers. Concerns about causing tension, demotivating staff, or dealing with emotional reactions are typical. Avoiding conflict might seem easier, but it’s harmful in the long-run. Without constructive feedback, the team misses out on growth, and the lack of clear communication can lead to distrust and disengagement.
Use the following strategies to manage the discomfort and anxiety of tough conversations, so you can communicate confidently.
5 Steps to Giving Tough Feedback with Confidence
Challenge Your Binary Thinking
Leaders who hesitate to give tough feedback often hold limiting beliefs like ‘feedback always damages relationships’ or ‘speaking up makes me look controlling.’ While these fears might stem from past experiences, they oversimplify the complex nature of workplace relationships. You can be both direct and supportive while maintaining strong professional connections.
Instead of dwelling on potential negatives, consider the positive impact of clear communication:
- Your perspective could help turn around a struggling project
- Addressing disruptive behavior early creates a better work environment for everyone
- Timely feedback gives team members the chance to grow and advance their careers
When you look closer, you’ll find that expressing your concerns professionally is far more beneficial than staying silent and dealing with bigger problems later.
See Feedback as a Positive Tool
Research shows your team both wants and needs honest feedback. While 72% of employees say critical feedback is essential for their career growth, only 5% report receiving it from their managers. Teams with leaders who avoid honest feedback show lower engagement, while those who receive regular, candid feedback consistently rank among the most engaged.
By withholding feedback, you’re actually doing your team a disservice. When you recognize that constructive conflict is a natural part of leadership, difficult conversations become less daunting. Before your next feedback session, pause and remember: you’re not creating problems – you’re enabling growth. You’re not criticizing – you’re guiding. You’re not being harsh – you’re being the leader your team needs.
Be Ready for Various Responses
The uncertainty of someone’s reaction often holds us back from giving feedback. You might worry about defensiveness or emotional responses.
Manage this uncertainty by using the worst case/best case/most likely scenario approach: First, think about the worst-case scenario and how you’d deal with it. For instance, if your employee starts crying, you might decide to take a break and allow them some space. Next, envision the best possible outcome to bring a sense of optimism. Finally, consider what’s most likely to happen, which often falls somewhere between these two extremes. This simple preparation helps you feel more equipped to handle any response to your tough feedback.
Start Strong
Having a clear plan for how to start the conversation can significantly reduce your anxiety and help set a positive tone. Taking control from the beginning boosts your confidence and shows respect. For example, when Marcus decided to address the issue with Addison, he began by saying, “I appreciate your dedication and creativity. Something I wanted to talk about is a pattern of missed deadlines, and I want to understand if there are any obstacles that we can address together.”
Using “I” statements is key to communicate directly and assertively, without downplaying your concerns. Be specific in your feedback. Instead of a vague accusation like “You dropped the ball again,” opt for a more precise statement, such as “I’m concerned that I didn’t receive the documents in time for the client meeting today.” This approach is more likely to lead to a constructive conversation.
Practice Giving Feedback Consistently
Feedback shouldn’t be an occasional event; it should be a regular part of your interactions. Regular feedback prevents small issues from escalating into bigger problems. Plus, the more you practice giving feedback in less critical situations, the more comfortable and skilled you’ll become at it.
Implementing systematic feedback can be as simple as:
- Consistent one-on-one meetings with team members
- Project debriefs for collective reflection
- Pre-mortems to discuss potential risks before starting projects
Getting more comfortable and confident giving tough feedback allows you to practice assertiveness, so you can show up as the strong leader your team needs – and who you know you can be.
