I think we’re due for a little catch up, because it has been a BUSY spring around here. My schedule has continued to be full in the best way with so many podcasts HBR, NPR – also tons of speaking to organizations, Microsoft, Meta, Amgen and many others. 

If you follow me on LinkedIn or Instagram, then you may have seen that I was at the LinkedIn studios in California again, filming TWO brand new courses for you and updating one of my other most popular courses. I can’t wait to share those with you. One is about navigating communication clashes at work and adapting your style. What to do when someone is excessively critical, when someone micromanages, when someone is defensive or resistant. Such great stuff. The second NEW course is for those of you who are moving from a frontline leader to a manager of managers. It’s all about the mindset and strategies needed to make that transition and succeed at the next level. We also made a few updates to my course on Influence Skills for leaders, because as we talk about all the time on this show, the higher you go, the more you advance in your organization. The less your success is about how hard you work or how well you do the job. And more it’s about how wisely you navigate power dynamics up, down, and across from you. 

Filming with the LinkedIn team is always a highlight. Every single person on their live action team is an absolute top notch pro, as so many come from the TV and movie world, so they really know how to bring quality courses to life. And it’s just so much fun. They make the process and blast and make you feel like a movie star in the process. 

Make sure you’re getting my newsletter to find out when those are live. Just head to melodywilding.com/newsletter for that. You’ll also get the PAWW which gathers some of my best thinking, resources, articles, podcasts once a week. 

On top of going to LinkedIn, we also just wrapped up enrollment for our next cohort of RESILIENT and kicked off this past week. I’m not going to lie. Even after 5 years of running this program, taking hundreds and hundreds of clients through it, I still get nervous on those first kick off calls! Nerv-cited actually. Because every time, I’m reminded: these aren’t just names on a spreadsheet. These are real people — who are trusting us, who have made the leap to invest in themselves and take on this process over the next 90 days of doubling their confidence. And even though I’ve taught this material a hundred different ways, my brain still pulls the same stunt: What if this time it doesn’t land? What if they don’t get the result they came for? It’s the same thing we see in our clients, actually — that mental loop. Like if you’re seasoned or senior enough, you’re supposed to stop feeling uncertain. Spoiler: that’s not how it works. Confidence doesn’t mean the nerves go away. It means you show up anyway — prepared, present, and committed to doing your best work.

The last update is a special one. As I’m recording this, it’s May 2025 — which means this month marks four years since the release of the book that made me an author. It marks the 4 year pub-iversary of my first book, Trust Yourself: Stop Overthinking and Channel Your Emotions for Success at Work.

I still remember the day it came out. The pandemic was still raging and it was a full day of virtual talks and interviews, and later just my husband and I in our little apartment celebrating. And of course I remember that day being so exciting but also very emotional. Because you’re proud of this book you’ve spent YEARS writing, you’re excited to get it out there, you’re also nervous about whether anyone will read it and whether they’ll like it. And now flash forward four years, tens of thousands of copies sold, daily messages and DM’s from readers like you… and it’s confirmed how much the book was needed. 

Trust Yourself has resonated because it named something so many smart, driven professionals were feeling but couldn’t quite put words to. That internal tug-of-war: You care deeply, you’re constantly processing, you want to do right by your work and the people you serve — but all that sensitivity, when left unmanaged, turns into overthinking, perfectionism, burnout.

And for a while, that book was enough. It gave people the tools to quiet their inner critic. To start managing their emotions instead of letting their emotions manage them.

But then I started hearing a pattern. “I get the inner work,” people would tell me. “I know my strengths. I’m journaling. I’m catching my triggers. But then I walk into a meeting with leadership, and I completely lose my footing.”

Or: “I’m feeling more confident in theory, but the moment I have to deal with that colleague who bulldozes everyone’s ideas, I shut down.”

It hit me: readers had mastered one side of the success equation — the internal psychology piece — but they were missing the other side: how to translate that self-trust into real-world influence. Especially in situations where the power dynamics are stacked against you.

That’s where Managing Up came in. Writing it was the natural next step.

If Trust Yourself helped you reclaim a sense of inner peace, Managing Up helps you protect and project that confidence in high-stakes environments. It’s about walking into that conference room full of VPs and delivering your recommendation without apologizing three times before you even get to the point. It’s about knowing what to say — and how to say it — when your boss dismisses your ideas. Or worse, takes credit for them. 

And it’s not just about faking til you make it or becoming some shiester, political operator. It’s about strategically influencing how others perceive you — so you can actually get what you need to to do your best work and BE at your best every day.

Because real professional power isn’t just internal. It’s relational.

How you feel about yourself matters big time. But so does shaping how other people see you, respond to you, and make decisions about you.

So when I look back on Trust Yourself and Managing Up now, four years and a lot of coaching conversations later, the thread connecting them NOW seems so obvious:

At their core, both Trust Yourself and Managing Up are about reclaiming your agency — your sense of control — in environments that often, subtly or not, train you to hand it over.

Trust Yourself was written for those moments when the loudest voices aren’t coming from the outside, but from inside your own head. The quiet but constant second-guessing. The urge to overexplain. The feeling that no matter how much you achieve, you’re always one misstep away from being “found out.” That voice isn’t just critical — it’s protective. It thinks it’s keeping you safe. And sometimes, it has. But eventually, that inner vigilance becomes a cage. And what you need isn’t to silence it or shame yourself for having it — but to recognize when it’s running the show, and gently steer yourself back to trust.

Managing Up emerged because so many people were doing that inner work — and still hitting walls at work. They were building confidence, getting clearer on their value… but then they’d walk into a room with a difficult executive, or try to push back on a decision they didn’t agree with, and feel themselves shrink. Not because they were weak — but because the systems they were working within were messy. Hierarchical. Riddled with power dynamics and personalities that weren’t always predictable or fair.

Let’s be honest: bosses are people too. Flawed, busy, sometimes insecure themselves. And so much of managing up is learning how to work with those imperfections — without making yourself smaller in the process. It’s knowing how to read the room without losing your point of view. Learning how to speak the language of influence, even if you’re not the one in charge. Navigating the very real tension between advocating for yourself and maintaining relationships you rely on to succeed.

That’s the thread I see now, looking back. Both books are about how to keep your footing when it feels like the ground is shifting — whether from within you, or all around you. And how to remember, even in the hardest moments, that you still have options. And optionality is power. 

Which brings me to today’s topic. Because one of the most common ways I see people lose that sense of choice, that inner steadiness — and it’s this.

Constantly checking to see if your boss is happy with your work.

You might not call it that. You might just say you’re being thorough. Or proactive. Or “managing expectations.”

Now, sometimes that’s totally legit. Like when you’re prepping for a big deliverable and want to be sure you’re on the same page. That’s smart managing up — staying aligned, avoiding surprises.

But it can cross a line without you realizing.

But there’s the obvious version — asking for feedback on every little thing, rewriting the same email three times before hitting send.

And then there’s the sneakier kind. The kind you don’t even realize you’re doing. Holding back in meetings until you’ve gauged their reaction. Changing your tone mid-sentence because you saw their expression shift. Staying online an extra 30 minutes — not because you need to — but because they’re still green on Teams or Slack.

It’s subtle. Automatic. It seems harmless — even responsible. But this is one of the most exhausting and sneaky ways you give away your power at work. You start outsourcing your sense of success to someone else’s mood, tone, or response time. And pretty soon, your time, energy, and focus are tied up in trying to read between the lines instead of doing your actual job. Instead of earning respect in a  clear, confident way — you’re managing around someone. Walking on eggshells. Over-interpreting.

So today, we’re breaking that down. Where it comes from, how to notice when it’s happening — and what it looks like to show up in these interactions with a little more power and a lot more peace of mind. 

Let’s call it what it is: this is about approval seeking and having a need for validation.

That need to constantly check — Am I doing this right? Are they happy with me? — it’s a strategy your brain picked up somewhere along the way. A way to stay safe. Stay liked. Stay employed. It’s when you rely on other people’s responses — their tone, mood, facial expressions, how quickly they reply — to gauge how well you’re doing, to feel okay. 

And I say that not to call you out — but to name something you’ve probably been feeling for a long time, without the words for it.

And over time, that leaves you feeling like you’re never quite solid. Like your relationships – and your sense of self – are built on quicksand. Because when you’re always looking to someone else — a boss, a client, a colleague — to prove you’re okay, to signal that you’re doing enough, what you’re really doing is building your self-worth on something you can’t control.

Sure, in the moment, getting that “looks good” reply or a quick nod in a meeting can feel like a rush of relief. You exhale. Okay. I’m safe. But that feeling doesn’t last, does it? Because the next project comes. A new person joins the team. Your boss doesn’t respond as quickly. They have a bad day. They change their tone. They’re in back-to-back meetings and you don’t get the same cues you’re used to reading.

If your sense of success depends on someone else being in a good mood, available, and communicative at all times… you’re never going to feel steady.

Especially in today’s world of remote and hybrid work, where so many of the signals we once relied on — body language, hallway feedback, tone of voice — are stripped away. When you don’t have access to those cues, and you haven’t built the muscle of internal validation? Your brain fills in the gaps. They’re being short with me… did I do something wrong? Why haven’t they replied? Are they unhappy with the work?

It’s exhausting. And it’s not sustainable.

Psychologically, it’s tied to something called “external referencing,” where you’re trained, consciously or not, to look outside yourself to figure out what’s “right.” Maybe you worked for a boss who was never satisfied — no matter how hard you worked. Maybe you grew up in an environment where praise was rare, and success meant keeping the peace. Or maybe you’ve simply been in high-pressure roles for so long that you’ve trained your brain to scan for threats, approval, or rejection before it even processes your own opinion.

In other words, your nervous system got really good at tracking other people’s emotions — at the expense of your own. You learn to read the room before you speak, anticipate reactions before they happen, and shape-shift to fit what you think others want.

And here’s the trickiest part of all: this skill probably helped you rise in your career. You’re attentive. You’re thoughtful. You’re adaptable. All things managers say they want. But like almost everything, if left unchecked, this muscle gets overused. And what starts as smart managing up turns into mental gymnastics.

So how do you spot the difference? Here’s 5 signs you’re veering into approval-seeking territory:

1. Approval seeking comes with a sense of urgency. You feel a rush to act — to fix something, get a reaction, or make sure you didn’t mess up. It’s not always dramatic. Sometimes it sounds like, “I’ll just send a quick check-in,” or “Let me loop them in just to be safe.” But underneath, there’s tension you’re trying to relieve. You’re hoping someone else’s response will make you feel settled.

Healthy behavior moves at a more relaxed pace. Healthy behavior, on the other hand, is driven by purpose — not anxiety. You’re still taking action, but it’s measured. You’re following up because it’s the right time to move the project forward, not because you’re uncomfortable sitting with uncertainty. You’re asking for feedback to improve the outcome, not to reassure yourself. You’re responding to the needs of the work — not trying to regulate your emotions through someone else’s reply.

2. Likewise, Approval seeking leaves you anxious. Healthy behavior gives you clarity. Here’s the easiest way to tell the difference: how do you feel afterward? If you’re seeking approval, even a positive response never fully satisfies you. You feel brief relief… followed by more questions, more doubts, more checking. You’re stuck in a loop.

But when your actions come from a clear, confident place, you move forward. Whether or not someone praises you, you know where you stand. You don’t need to keep replaying the moment — because you’re not waiting for someone else to decide how you should feel.

3. You’re overly focused on how you’re being perceived — not what you’re trying to communicate. Notice where your attention is. Are you focused on the content of what you’re saying? Or are you suddenly preoccupied with how you’re coming across?  You might feel yourself mentally stepping outside your own body, watching yourself through their eyes. That’s a clear sign you’re trying to manage their impression of you, not just contribute to the conversation.
4. You ask questions you already know the answer to.
   This one is sneaky. You send a Slack to “just confirm” something you already feel 90% sure about. Or you reread an email and still forward it to your boss asking, “Does this sound okay?” You’re not really looking for input — you’re looking for a sense of relief.

If you pause and realize you’re hoping their reply will make you feel less anxious? That’s a moment of approval seeking. Healthy behavior might still involve checking in, but it’s because there’s real ambiguity — not because you’re hoping to calm your nerves.

5. Their reaction immediately changes your opinion — even when you felt clear before.
   You walk into the meeting feeling solid about your recommendation. Then someone furrows their brow… or your boss goes quiet… and suddenly you’re backpedaling. You start questioning your judgment, even though nothing about the actual facts has changed.

That’s a sign you’ve slipped out of grounded decision-making and into approval mode. Instead of holding your ground and getting curious about their reaction, you take it as a sign that you must be wrong. Healthy behavior allows for disagreement without unraveling your confidence.

So now that you can spot the signs — what’s the solution?

The short answer: You stop outsourcing your sense of “I’m okay.”

This is about shifting from external referencing — where your confidence depends on how other people react — to internal referencing — where you know how to ground yourself, even when the room is quiet, the email is ambiguous, or the feedback isn’t glowing.

And no, this doesn’t mean ignoring everyone else and charging ahead with blind confidence. This isn’t about being arrogant or dismissive. It’s about balance. Listening to your own voice alongside others — not only after you’ve gotten a green light.

Because the truth is, external validation will always be a moving target. People have bad days. People are vague. People forget to respond. And when your confidence is hooked into their mood, their tone, or their availability, you lose your footing. Fast.

Internal referencing gives you something steadier to stand on.

First, do a gut check. Check in with yourself before you check in with them.
Before you hit send on that “just confirming” email, pause. Ask yourself: Do I already know the answer? Am I reaching out for clarity — or comfort? Creating that pattern interrupt, investigating your motivation helps you slow down long enough to distinguish what’s really driving the behavior instead of just going off of autopilot. When you give yourself that pause, you’re more likely to act from thoughtful intention instead of anxiety. You’re less likely to let short-term discomfort steer you off course — and more likely to communicate with clarity, instead of chasing reassurance.

Second. name your perspective before inviting others in.

If you tend to hold back and let others speak first, it’s easy to fall into the habit of deferring. You wait to see what your boss or teammates say, and then adjust your opinion to match. This might feel like you’re being collaborative, but it often means you’re looking for direction or approval before trusting your own thinking.

Instead, get in the habit of going first. You don’t need to have it all figured out — just put your thoughts on the table. You can say:

• “Here’s what I’m thinking right now — let me know if I’m on the right track”
• I’ll share where my head is at and then I’d love to get your thoughts. 
• “This is how I’m leaning, but I’m open to feedback.”

And this changes how people respond to you. When you lead with your voice, others are more likely to treat you as someone worth listening to — not because you have all the answers, but because you’re bringing something original to the table. They know you’re not just mirroring back what they already think.

3. Let discomfort be a data point — not a danger signal.
   The next time you feel that familiar wave of unease — the urge to explain yourself again, to soften your opinion, to double-check one more time — pause. Not everything that feels uncomfortable is a sign that something’s wrong.

Sometimes, it’s just your nervous system doing what it’s been trained to do: scan for threats, avoid rejection, stay safe. Especially if you’ve spent years relying on external validation, even small moments of uncertainty can feel like alarm bells.

But discomfort is just a sensation — tension in your chest, a racing heart, a pit in your stomach. Let it be there. Don’t try to push it away or immediately soothe it by over-explaining or checking in. Instead, imagine it like a wave cresting. If you let it rise and fall without reacting, it usually passes faster than you think.

Over time, this is how you retrain your system. You build tolerance for uncertainty. You teach yourself that you can feel uncomfortable — and still choose a different response. 

4. Don’t treat someone’s silence as a judgment.
   Silence is neutral — even if your brain doesn’t think so yet. Especially if you’re used to scanning for approval, a delayed response can feel like a sign you messed up. You reread the email you sent. You start filling in the blanks: Maybe they didn’t like it. Maybe I came across too strong. Maybe I should’ve said it differently.

But most of the time, silence means nothing more than what it is. People are busy. Emails get buried. A short Slack reply doesn’t mean your idea was bad — it might mean your boss is juggling three priorities or reading from their phone.

If you catch yourself spiraling, don’t jump into over-explaining or following up too soon just to calm your nerves. Anchor yourself in what you know: What did I deliver? Was it clear? Did it meet the need? That’s the part you can stand on — not someone else’s reaction time.

5. Be your own debrief.

Before you start hunting for feedback or validation from someone else, stop and run your own assessment first. After you finish a presentation, submit a report, or complete any significant task, take two minutes to ask yourself:

• Did I communicate what mattered most?
• Did I show up in a way I feel good about?
• What worked well? What would I do differently next time?

Here’s what you’re really doing when you evaluate yourself first: you’re building a strong internal reference point — something solid to come back to.

Forming your own opinion doesn’t mean you’re closed off or unwilling to listen. Think of it as being a filter, not a sponge. A sponge soaks up everything — useful or not. A filter takes in what’s valuable and lets the rest pass through. When you have a strong internal perspective, you’re not rejecting feedback — you’re able to process it. You decide what strengthens your work and what doesn’t fit, instead of absorbing every opinion as truth. 

So when your boss says, “You could’ve made that more concise,” you don’t spiral into self-doubt. You take a beat and think, Yeah, fair — I got a little wordy at the end. Or, Actually, I think that extra detail mattered for context. Maybe I can shorten it next time though. 

Now I want to switch gears a little bit. Yes — today we’ve talked a lot about moving from being fixated on your boss’s opinion to strengthening your own sense of internal validation. And that is important. But let’s not pretend your opinion is the only one that matters. It’s not.

Perception matters in the workplace. Influence matters. And it’s wishful thinking to believe you can just like yourself and that that’s enough. 

I say this all the time — and I talk about it a lot in Managing Up — managing up to your boss is important, but it’s not enough. If your entire career strategy is centered around one relationship, you’re exposed. Too vulnerable to one person’s moods, biases, or blind spots.

You need more inputs. You need a network.

Start thinking beyond your boss. Peers. Mentors. Cross-functional partners. Direct reports. People who’ve worked with you on different kinds of projects. When you get feedback and visibility across your ecosystem — not just up the org chart — you’re no longer at the mercy of a single person’s opinion. You build a more complete, more balanced picture of your value. 

I hope you enjoyed today’s episode, and if you did, could you do me a favor? Please share it with someone you think would benefit. That’s the main way podcasts grow, through personal recommendations. That’s all for today, I’ll see you in the next episode.