My client Laura was known as a compassionate and collaborative leader. She always checked in on her team’s well-being, made sure they weren’t overwhelmed, and offered mentorship during tough times. Her team always felt a sense of validation from her genuine interest in their opinions, and everyone felt comfortable approaching her—something rare among other directors at the company.
But beneath Laura’s friendly exterior was a deep need for approval. In meetings, she would anxiously scan the room for reactions. A nod from a colleague boosted her confidence, but a neutral expression or slight frown would trigger self-doubt. Despite her expertise, Laura often hesitated to finalize decisions without consensus from every cross-functional partner, dragging out processes for weeks or even months under the guise of seeking input.
The turning point came during a 360-degree feedback session. Laura learned that her reluctance to give direct feedback or address issues had created ambiguity and blurred boundaries within her team. While her kindness was appreciated, her team craved more decisive leadership. It was a wake-up call that her well-meaning actions were hindering both her effectiveness and the team’s success.
As an executive coach specializing in leaders sensitive to others’ needs (whom I refer to as Sensitive Strivers), I’ve seen many like Laura whose excessive need for approval undermines their leadership. It’s natural to seek acceptance and validation, regardless of your position. However, when your self-esteem and decision-making hinge excessively on others’ opinions, or when you compromise your values to avoid disapproval, it’s time for a change.
So, how can you find the right balance between trusting yourself and considering others? Here are some strategies to break free from the cycle of seeking constant validation.
Do a gut check
In the hustle of everyday work, it’s easy to fall into habitual responses, especially when you’re stressed. A gut check acts as a pause button, helping you see if your automatic reactions are what’s truly best for the team and the company, rather than just a way to be liked. This reflection also helps you separate your internal drivers (like your values, ethics, or genuine interest) from external ones (like wanting praise, fearing judgment, or needing to fit in). A gut check balances your gut feelings with rational thinking, ensuring your fears don’t overshadow logic and long-term goals.
Next time you face a decision, ask yourself, “Am I doing this because it’s right, or because I want to be seen a certain way?” This helps you tell the difference between a genuine desire for humility, diligence, or inclusivity and a need for validation. You can also play devil’s advocate with yourself. Challenge your assumptions by arguing against your own beliefs or decisions as if you were an external critic.
Get Clear on Your Own Perspective First.
It’s easy to be swayed by others if you’re not solid in your own views. You might end up agreeing with the loudest voice in the room, not because you truly agree, but because you want to keep the peace. So, before a meeting or important discussion, dive into the info, think it over, and form your own conclusions. Try not to seek out others’ feedback or opinions until you’ve firmed up your own thoughts.
Forming your own opinion first doesn’t mean you’re being stubborn. It’s about being clear on what you believe. Knowing your perspective is valid and based on your unique experiences and knowledge helps reduce the need for others’ approval. It also lets you adapt your position thoughtfully when new information comes up, rather than just going with the flow to fit in.
Ask, “So What”.
When you catch yourself stressing about what others think, try the “So what?” test:
- So what if this decision isn’t a hit with everyone?
- So what if it doesn’t tick every box?
- So what if I need to change my mind later?
This simple trick helps you step back and get a balanced view. It shifts your focus from trying to please everyone to making choices that are true to your values.
Most of the time, you’ll realize that the worst-case scenarios you imagine are overblown or unlikely. You’ll also start to see that rejection and setbacks are just part of the leadership journey, not a sign of failure. The goal is to move from fearing disapproval to seeing opportunities for learning and growth.
Give it a Day.
When Laura, the client I mentioned earlier, got mixed reactions to a change she proposed, her first instinct was to seek immediate approval from the executive team to feel validated. Instead of rushing, she decided to sleep on it before making any moves. This pause helped Laura calm down and tell the difference between useful feedback and simple resistance to change.
You can set a rule for yourself to wait 24 hours before responding to heated or emotionally charged issues. This break gives you a chance to gain perspective and let your emotions settle, helping you respond more thoughtfully. Often, the urge to seek immediate approval or make quick decisions fades. If you still feel the need for validation during this time, try talking to a trusted mentor or peer for their perspective instead of just looking for approval.
Honor Your Promises – To Yourself.
Honoring the promises you make to yourself—whether it’s meeting your basic needs or speaking up with ideas—helps build self-trust. Over time, this self-trust reduces the reliance on external validation. Each time you follow through on a commitment to yourself, you reinforce your reliability and integrity, which are crucial for making confident decisions and sticking to them.
Start by setting small, achievable promises. It could be as simple as taking a lunch break to recharge or dedicating time to professional development. The key is to choose commitments that are meaningful yet manageable within your current capacity. If you find yourself unable to keep a promise, see it as feedback to adjust your approach rather than criticizing yourself harshly.
Letting go of the need for constant approval at work doesn’t mean closing off your empathy. Effective leaders strike a balance between empathy and decisiveness, conviction and compassion, and warmth and strength.
