There’s a story I want to tell you because I’m betting you can relate to it and it’s the topic of the show today: Why Powerful People Don’t Take You Seriously (Stop Shrinking Around Senior Executives). So this story is about a client in my Speak Like a Senior Leader™, who I’ll call G and who works at a policy thinktank. G is smart, driven, definitely a hard worker, and has always been a high performer in their role. For years, he had received nothing but praise and had built a solid reputation for being someone who tackle really complex research. So when G was assigned to a new high-profile project six months ago, it made perfect sense – this was exactly the kind of work he was known for. 

But here’s where things got interesting. This project required something G hadn’t needed to do before in this role, which was regularly interfacing with the executive team. And from day one, G felt completely different. Where they used to feel confident and articulate with peers and direct reports, suddenly he was dealing with a level of intimidation he’d never experienced. He said to me “It was like the pressure got ratcheted up to 10 out of 10 the moment I knew I’d be in meetings with the Chief Strategy Officer and the Executive Director.” He had created this mystique in his own mind – “Oh my god, now I’m going to be in the room with these people.” He built it up so much in his own head that when he walked into those executive briefings, it was like his brain just… short-circuited. He’d go from being this articulate, confident professional to stammering, small, and shrunken. The words that usually came so easily would get stuck. He’d catch himself stumbling over concepts they could discuss in their sleep with anyone else because he was so in his head about WHO he was talking to and their status. He told me…It’s like I turned them into these untouchable figures in my head. I’d spend the entire lead up to those meetings thinking about how important they were, how busy they must be, how much more they knew than me. By the time I logged on to those calls, I’d already decided they were operating on some completely different level. 

The most frustrating part is that G knew logically, rationally that he DID belong in that room. But something about being around the top brass triggered this internal intimidation that seemed to override everything he knew about what he was capable of. 

If that sounds familiar to you, you’re not alone. I hear similar stories like this every week. It’s usually people sliding into my DMs, emailing me, or bringing this up on a coaching call like it’s some shameful confession. We’re not talking about people who are new to the workforce here. I’m talking about our typical client – mid-career, mid-life professionals who’ve been around the block. People who may even be in mid to senior-level roles themselves. Some are managing teams, they’ve got 15+ years of experience under their belt. And yet they’ll say things like, “Melody, how can I EVER hold my own at the next level if I constantly feel like I shrink around the C-suite?” or “I’m a Director, I should know better, but I turn into a bumbling mess every time the SVP walks in the room.”

Here is the good news and what I want to unpack today… this reaction has nothing to do with your actual capabilities, your readiness for bigger roles or more responsibility, and your chances of being successful when you get there. This is about the psychological dynamics that happen when we perceive someone as having more power than us. And the key word there is “perceive” – because most of the time, we’re creating that power differential in our own minds. 

If you want to learn how to show up as more of a peer – even when you’re not at the same level yet – and position yourself as an equal contributor instead of someone who’s grateful just to be included, that’s exactly what we dive deep into in Speak Like a Senior Leader. And I’ve got something really special for you! The next cohort of the program starts in January. But from October 20th – 24th, you’re going to have one FINAL chance to get in at our intro pricing of just $2,000. This is the rate we offered for our inaugural cohort this last Fall and I want to give you one last opportunity to join us in January for that price. After the 24th, the rate goes up to $2,500. So if you know you’re meant to join us, then get on the waitlist at https://speaklikeaseniorleader.com. You’ll be the first to get access to spots at the intro rate on October 20th. 

Now, what I find so fascinating about power dynamics in the workplace. Once you understand how they actually work, it’s like having x-ray vision. You can see through the intimidation and status games that trip people up. 

For someone like myself, who is still a recovering awkward person as my friend Vanessa Van Edwards says, having this ability has been a lifesaver. Because growing up, I had friends whose parents both had corporate jobs – they would kind of give them the inside scoop, here’s how things work, here’s what to watch out for, here’s how you position yourself around different types of people. I didn’t have any of that. My parents were business owners, they didn’t have “normal” 9-to-5 jobs, let alone corporate jobs. I’m an only child, so I never had brothers and sisters go before me and give me the intel on how the work world actually operates.

My saving grace was and has been my background in psychology and neuroscience. The day I realized that work is just humans operating in a system, with the same invisible expectations, power structures, and psychological dynamics as any other relationship – that’s when things clicked for me. And once YOU understand these patterns, once you can see what’s really happening beneath all the professional politeness and hierarchy, you realize that most of the intimidation you feel around powerful people is created in your own mind. Which means you also have more POWER over it. 

Going back to G’s story at the beginning of the show, to really get what’s happening there and what might be happening for you, we need to understand two key concepts in power dynamics: the one up position and the one down position. To really understand this, I want you to picture a ladder. When you’re standing on a higher rung, you feel confident and in control – you can see more, you’re literally above the situation. When you’re on a lower rung, you’re looking up at everyone else, feeling smaller and less secure.

So when you’re “one up” in a conversation or relationship, you feel like you’re standing on that higher rung. You have – or are perceived to have – something the other person needs – maybe it’s information they want, a decision they’re waiting for, or expertise. Generally in the one up position in a relationship you feel relaxed, confident, like you’re the one driving the conversation. 

When you’re “one down,” you’re on that lower rung looking up. You feel like the other person is essentially better than you and has something you need – their approval, their time, their connections, their knowledge. You may get anxious, careful, like you need to prove you deserve to be talking to them in the first place.

Notice I keep using the word – perceived. Whether you’re in the one up or one down position can be largely in your head, your lens on how you’re reading your standing in that moment. It’s not necessarily something determined by your job title.

Think about it – have you ever talked to your boss, who is obviously senior to you, and felt totally at ease because you knew they needed a favor from you?. In that moment, even though they technically outrank you, you were standing on the higher rung because you had what they needed.

Or flip it around – have you ever felt intimidated talking to someone who was technically your equal or even junior to you? Maybe they had a connection you wanted, or they knew something you didn’t, or they just carried themselves in a way that made you feel a little shaky on your feet. Suddenly you’re on the lower rung, even though the org chart says you should feel like you’re above them. 

Now, it’s true that some people can pull maneuvers to try to push you into that one-down position. They might schedule meetings at inconvenient times to throw you off balance. They might interrupt you or dismiss your ideas. Some people DO play these games.

But what’s even worse – and much more common – is when we do things ourselves that knowingly or unknowingly put us in that one-down position. We walk into the room having already decided we’re on a lower rung of that ladder. And this becomes a vicious cycle: we start acting more insecure, or we withdraw and stay silent altogether. And that behavior actually DOES change how the executive perceives us. When you’re constantly seeking approval and acting uncertain, they start to see you as someone who needs guidance rather than someone who provides value. When you hedge every statement, they begin to question whether you really know what you’re talking about.

This creates a downward spiral that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You act less confident, so they take you less seriously. Because they take you less seriously, you feel even more self conscious the next time you interact with them. Because you feel more in your head, you act even smaller. And round and round it goes until you actually do end up being taken less seriously. The cruel irony is that your original fear – that they won’t respect you or value your contributions – ends up becoming reality. 

Even if this cycle sounds painfully familiar, please do not panic. Perceptions can change, and you can absolutely make this a virtuous upward spiral instead. When you start approaching these situations with more confidence in how you present yourself, with better articulation of your ideas and value, really balancing respect for those in power with respect for YOURSELF – guess what? They also start to treat you differently. But this time, it’s in your favor. They start seeing you as someone who can hold their own, who belongs at the table, who brings insights they actually want to hear in a way that actually sounds credible. 

If you want in-depth coaching and training on this, get on the waitlist for Speak Like a Senior Leader™ at speaklikeaseniorleader.com. This is going to be your chance to get our intro pricing of just $2000. It’s going up to $2500 after October 24th.

For today though, let’s talk about a few of those key moments when you might be unconsciously handing over your power and knocking yourself into that one-down position in the dynamic. 

The first pattern to watch for is when you’re mentally putting executives on a pedestal. This is what in psychology we call “idealization” – you’re not seeing them as a regular human being doing a job, but as someone who’s fundamentally different from and superior to you.

When you idealize someone, you start ascribing positive traits to them that may not even be true, just based on their place in the hierarchy. You assume they’re smarter, more worthy than you. You see them as untouchable, almost holier than thou. In your mind, they become this perfect professional who never makes mistakes, never has doubts, never struggles with the same challenges you do.

This is your brain taking a shortcut. Because they have a fancy title and make important decisions, your mind automatically fills in the blanks with all sorts of assumptions about their skills, their intelligence. You start thinking, “Well, they must be brilliant to have gotten to that level,” or “They probably never feel bad about anything,” or “They always know exactly what to say.”

When you put someone on a pedestal like this, it automatically puts you in that one-down position before you even start talking. You’re not approaching them as a professional peer who has valuable insights to share. You’re approaching them as someone who should be grateful for their attention and who needs to prove they deserve to be in their presence.

This idealization shows up in how you prepare to interact with them. You might spend hours rehearsing what you’re going to say, trying to anticipate every possible question, because in your mind, they’re going to somehow see through you if you’re not perfect.

So instead of idealization, be deliberate about humanizing them to take that intimidation factor out. I’ve had to learn this because a fun part of my work is getting to interact with people who run multi-million dollar businesses, New York Times bestsellers, the list of their accolades and achievements goes on and on. To avoid getting totally psyched out by their title or stature, I imagine them having the same everyday human moments that we all have. I picture them having a bad morning where they break a glass and have to vacuum it all up. Then they’re running late, hit traffic, and curse just like everyone else. Maybe they’re presenting and realize there’s a typo on their slide, they feel that wave of embarrassment but have to keep going. Maybe they’re in a video call and their dog starts barking in the background, or their internet cuts out at the worst possible moment. 

When you start seeing executives as fellow humans who happen to have different job responsibilities, rather than as superior beings who unquestioningly deserve your deference, it’s freeing. So try this exercise: before your next interaction with someone who intimidates you, spend a minute imagining them dealing with something completely ordinary. Picture them trying to parallel park, or standing in line at the grocery store, or struggling to open a jar. It sounds silly, but it works. It reminds your brain that underneath their big salary and fancy responsibilities, you’re dealing with another person who has the same basic experiences you do.

This next one is a verrry subtle, very sneaky because it masquerades as politeness and respect, so most people don’t even realize they’re doing it. Putting yourself in the one down position by acting like their time is inherently more valuable than yours. 

This shows up in so many small ways. You might find yourself saying things like “I know you’re incredibly busy, so I’ll keep this brief,” or “I don’t want to take up too much of your time.” You schedule meetings around their availability without even mentioning your own constraints. You end emails with “Thanks so much for fitting this into your packed schedule.”

It sounds polite, right? Professional? But think about what that phrase really communicates. You’re suggesting that their time is a gift they’re bestowing upon you, that you should be grateful they’ve chosen to spend a few minutes in your presence. You’re positioning yourself as someone whose requests are an imposition,like you;ve made a big ask. you’re training them to see you as a subordinate rather than a partner. when someone acts like they’re grateful just to be in your presence, your brain automatically categorizes them as below you in the hierarchy. You start seeing them as someone who needs your help, your guidance, your approval. So when you say things like “thank you so much for taking the time,” you’re programming them to see your meetings as them doing you a favor.

I used to fall into this trap all the time. I’d say things like “thank you so much for taking the time – I know you’re really busy and I appreciate it a great deal.” I thought I was being professional and courteous, but what I was actually doing was being excessively deferential in a way that undermined my own value. Of course expressing gratitude is important, but there’s a difference between appreciation and being overly effusive to the point where you make it awkward. 

So I started using what I call “meeting of the minds” language. For example, instead of “thank you for squeezing me into your packed schedule” – which frames it as the other person doing me a favor – I’d say “I’m looking forward to chatting” or “I’m glad we could carve out this time together.” or “I’m excited to get your thoughts on this.” These seem like small changes, but they completely shift the dynamic. The first approach immediately establishes that you’re grateful for their charity. The second approach puts you on equal ground. 

This pattern also shows up in how you handle scheduling. Maybe you’ll say “I’m flexible – whatever works best for you” which sounds like you’re willing to bend over backwards or have nothing much going on. Compare that to… “I have availability Tuesday morning or Thursday afternoon. Which works better? If those don’t work, please let me know what you have free.” When you offer specific time slots, you’re showing that you have a full professional life with real commitments and constraints, just like they do. You’re demonstrating that your time has structure and value. Plus, you’re giving them something concrete to react to instead of making them do all the work of figuring out when to meet. Think about it from their perspective. When someone says “whatever works for you,” they have to look at their entire calendar and try to find a time that might work. When someone says “I’m available Tuesday at 10 or Thursday at 2,” they can quickly check those specific slots and give you a yes or no. You’ve saved them a ton of cognitive energy. 

This same principle applies to project timelines, deliverables, really any situation where you might be tempted to defer completely to their preferences. Instead of “when would you like this?” try “I can have this to you by Friday, or if you need it sooner, Wednesday is possible but would require me to move some other priorities around.”

So far we’ve talked about idealization of executives which then leads us to assume their time is more valuable than ours. Another way you may be unknowingly thrusting yourself into the one position is with overly effusive language. By that I mean being overly enthusiastic with praise or gratitude or surprised over professional courtesy. You’re almost gushing like a fan. Instead of treating them like a coworker who happens to have a different title, you’re treating them like a celebrity you’re excited to meet. The most common examples of this I see are phrases like: 

• I feel so lucky to learn from such an expert or someone of your caliber
• I’m so incredibly grateful for your feedback!
• Thank you so much for thinking of me and I’m honored to be included
• I’m so impressed that you remembered what we talked about!

You can be slightly less over the top while still being appropriately appreciative. Just turn down the warmth a little: 

• Good point instead of brilliant insight!
• This is helpful and provides us solid direction instead of this is incredibly valuable
• Looking forward to working together instead of what an honor to be named to this project

Let me talk about one final pattern that’s a bit different from the others. Sometimes executives trigger our insecurities not because of anything they’re actually doing, but because they mirror something underdeveloped in ourselves. They have qualities or exude certain traits and behaviors that we WISH we had but we can’t seem to access – at least not yet. And that creates an emotional reaction that has very little to do with them and everything to do with us.

I learned this lesson many years ago when I was working at a company and they brought in a new COO. She was a seasoned, highly experienced leader who had turned around a lot of similar companies. She was very direct, not afraid to share her thoughts or give tough feedback. She’d challenge ideas diplomatically without worrying about hurting feelings. She didn’t seem to lose sleep over whether people liked her decisions.

And she made me feel all the things – intimidated, frustrated, and honestly, triggered. I found myself thinking “Who does she think she is?” I’d leave meetings feeling rattled and annoyed. 

But then I had a moment of clarity. She rubbed me the wrong way and made me have such an emotional reaction because she represented parts of myself I had suppressed for a really long time. Parts of me that wanted to set boundaries and worry less about what people thought, but was scared of the fallout. Parts of me that wanted to be more direct in difficult conversations instead of dancing around issues. She was essentially a mirror for all the things that were underdeveloped in myself – the qualities I admired but felt I couldn’t embody without risking being seen as difficult or unlikeable.

When you have that kind of strong emotional reaction to an executive’s leadership style, it’s worth asking yourself: what is it about them that’s triggering you? Sometimes the answer reveals more about what you need to develop in yourself than it does about any problem with them…and that’s incredibly valuable. 

Let’s recap what we’ve covered today because understanding these patterns is the key to breaking free from that one-down position that’s been keeping you feeling small around executives. 

We talked about how you might be mentally putting executives on a pedestal, idealizing them as superhuman when they’re really just people with different job titles. Remember – they break glasses and hit traffic just like you do.

We covered how acting like their time is inherently more valuable than yours trains them to see you as a subordinate rather than a peer. The shift from “thank you so much for taking the time” to “I’m glad we could make time to chat” changes the dynamic.

Then there’s the overly effusive language that positions you as a fan instead of a professional colleague. Turning down the excessive warmth helps keep you on equal footing.

And finally, we explored how sometimes executives trigger us because they mirror qualities we wish we had but haven’t developed yet. That emotional reaction often reveals more about what you need to work on than any problem with them.

Here’s what I want you to remember: every single pattern we discussed today is fixable, it’s changeable. You can absolutely walk into … 

This is exactly what we dive deep into in Speak Like a Senior Leader. You’ll learn exactly how to… More importantly, we work on the psychological shifts that help you show up as the confident professional you actually are. We practice the specific language patterns that position you as a peer, even when you’re not at the same level yet. And we address the mindset work that stops you from putting yourself in that one-down position in the first place.

If you’re tired of shrinking around executives, if you want to finally be seen as someone who belongs at the table, get on the waitlist at speaklikeaseniorleader.com right NOW. Remember your last opportunity to get the intro 2024 pricing of $2000 is October 20th to October 24th only. That will lock you in for our January cohort. It goes up to $2500 after that.  This is an in depth coaching and training program that gives you the exact framework and daily support to articulate your impact in a way that makes decision-makers trust you with bigger budgets, more responsibility, and yes, that title bump you’ve been working toward. 

That’s all for today. Thanks for listening and I’ll see you next time.